Rise and Shine Girl Blog

Well where does one begin when it has been well over a year since writing or I suppose the correct term, blogging. I can say I’ve traveled to great places, experienced celebrations and disappointments, learned new skills, taken on new hobbies, met some amazing people and more recently have one child soon moving on to middle school and another to his junior year in high school. And yes, if you are wondering do we have a new driver in the house, we will next Tuesday by noon EST. Oh and how dare I forget, I have joined the new generation of computer users. I have a MacBook Air. My dinosaur pooped out on me which was probably perfect timing, as a week before I was sitting in a hip part of Atlanta in a coffee house when what to my wondering eyes appeared, but twenty bright glowing Apples. Yes, I felt old and outdated.

Speaking of old, I am now 44. Honestly that number doesn’t mean much to me. I’m more concerned with how my body can move, do I have aches and pains, do my insides function as best as they can, should I embrace the gray, are there more wrinkles on my forehead and the most dreaded…Am I showing signs of old-people chin hairs. Those who may see me in person have full permission, in fact, I plead to you to tell me when you notice one, two or a forest, please! In fact my medical power of attorney is charged with plucking any facial hair should I be bed bound and unconscious. Yeah I know, sounds a bit vain, but I own it.

There is a big part of my health that I have changed or I should say I have become more aware of.

Last summer in July the funk began to take hold. I felt it coming on and anxiety came along for a ride as well. Knowing where I was heading and how it has progressively been worse each time, deeper into the pit, I wanted to SCREAM! It all seemed unfair, not just to me, but to all I know and those who depend on me.

Fast forward by a month, the kids started school on August 1st while I went deep inside and couldn’t find a way out. Buddha made some calls to those who are in the know and put them on standby should they be needed. I’m not sure how many days Buddha came home during lunchtime, sat next to me on the sofa and then walked me to the car to go get some lunch. He even took my phone, opened the notes, asked me what I was thinking and then typed a list. Here are some of the entries:

I’m not a failure no matter how I feel or what thought comes to mind.

I’m not worthless no matter how I feel or what thought comes to my mind.

This bad feeling will end no matter how I feel or what thought comes to mind.

My body will not blow up no matter how I feel or what thought comes to mind.

No matter how I feel or what I think my body functions are fine.

We then set a timer so I would remember to look at these from time to time. Sounds silly to you? When I get caught up in ruminating hours and hours can go by. Having the ding of the phone reminded me to switch tracks. It didn’t necessarily work all the time.

On one of our lunch outings Buddha presented me with some papers. In a very gentle way he told me I needed to get help. He investigated with colleagues what the options could be for me. He learned Emory has an outpatient program and urged me to apply. Was I applying to join the insane? I recited the answers and he was my scribe. Next, we would hear later that afternoon if I was accepted and when I could start. Later that afternoon Buddha sat down and told me I wasn’t accepted. The tears flowed and I felt like I was stuck in a corner. If there were indents on the wall I could climb out, but there was nothing. We found out I was rejected as I didn’t have a thorough and recent evaluation from a psychiatrist. Just like most situations in life there are ways to work a system and Buddha found them.

Hours later I was sitting in Emory’s ER in a hallway crying to a hospital psychiatrist. Someone walked by and I heard them say, “Is she the family member of #4?” I wanted to shout, “No, I’m the one who has lost her mind and is fucking crazy!” The doc who worked with me was great. I don’t remember specific details, but I do remember her ability to give me a taste of some calmness in my mind.

Next, came the conversation of my options. I could be hospitalized or attend the outpatient program. If I didn’t have family depending on me, the kids only in their second week of school and the fear of what I had seen in movies, I was wanting to head towards hospitalization. The doctor stepped out and called Buddha. Yes, he wasn’t there as he had to drop me off at the ER in order to get Mia from school as a big storm was coming in. I guess there could have been some comfort in knowing that mother nature and I were in sync together. I wasn’t alone.

When Buddha arrived he and the doc sat down and asked me what I wanted to do. Buddha reassured me he could handle any decision made and not to worry about the kids. He would cover it all. Funny thing, the doc on a few occasions tended to push me away from inpatient, she was subtle, but I felt it. She made it clear I was a candidate for either of them. Do you know what it’s like to make a decision when your brain is somewhere else, deep in the throws, MIA? It is like starring at a sentence on a piece of paper written in a foreign language.

Eventually the decision was made. Outpatient it would be and I would be reporting to work my ”shit” the next day. Upon returning home we needed to address the kids as they knew I was in the ER, but didn’t know why. We simply said my brain was in the funk and I needed help, as usual they were great. We reminded them I, we, have been through this before and we will get through it again, but this time with some ammunition to get through the battle.

Next up…Wesley Woods became my go to, 3 days a week for 3 months. What a ride! Next time my fingers touch these keys “The Wesley Woods Experience”.

I still Rise & Shine