Rise and Shine Girl Blog

My heart has been chipping, cracking, and breaking at speeds I have never experienced.  I have cracks which have been spackled over.  It may be time for the curator of my heart to call in a handy-woman to trowel, sand, and paint. The parts which have broken off are gone and traveled with whom or what they are attached to.  The chips gather in my body and will make an appearance at a later time.  Does this scare me?  Fill me with sadness? Make me want to run, run faraway?  It does not.

My heart for so many years, more than I’d like to admit, had been locked away. Fingerprints were allowed to hover above it, but nothing more.

I thought I was keeping it safe, protecting it, saving it for when I knew it would be cared for as it should.  Fear had roosted in my body from such a young age.  It was never a visitor it was a permanent intruder with a loud voice.  Fear took the wheel without me knowing it.  When it rained, fear refused to turn on the windshield wipers. With fear being the determined driver it became a protector.  A protector of my heart.  Fear meant well, but it did not serve well.

My heart smells fear as it ripples across water, as it drifts across the sky, when it rolls in during times of darkness.

My eyes see fear when it radiates from another beating, suffocating heart.

My ears hear it in words put out for those to hear.  In steadfast words chiseled in stone as if they will protect the heart.

My embrace senses it, wants to squash it, tell it to leave so the heart can be felt.

My tongue tastes it as words leave my mouth.  When the air is saturated with fear I can taste it as I breathe in.

When I look out into the world I see what fear serves.  I know how it served me for so many, many years.  I want to advocate, educate, alleviate, dissipate, evaporate fear away. It authentically serves in very few situations.

With fear pushed out and told to vacate, the heart beats stronger, truer, clearer and yes the heart will get chipped, it will crack, and can break.  But, we are human and the heart is to feel, open, extend, share, radiate, motivate and be vulnerable.

Rise & Shine

***Warning…raw thoughts, no proofreading, subject of suicide, I probably hit post too soon.

Did I lose a person I know?  A 16 year old died of suicide who I don’t personally know, but I feel like I do as I know so many teenagers who sound similar to Alex, Alex who is no longer here.  This 16 year old in a sense lives a hop, skip, and a jump from me. It hurts even more at this time as it is National Suicide Prevention Month and this is the main week of education. Alex died of suicide two days ago, September 13th.  I say “died of” compared to “committed” as suicide is no longer viewed to be a crime as is was many years ago.  When a person dies of suicide their mind, their brain, isn’t functioning properly.  I can say this.  I can say this because I know.

It is no mystery to those who know me, have read this blog or to my kiddos who some day will read this, I battle with depression. I have also had a couple times suicidal thoughts have taken a room in my brain during the deep in the valley times and I didn’t even advertise I had space as an AirBnB!.  When I felt I wanted to not be here any longer it wasn’t because I wanted to die.  It was because I wanted my present moments and previous ones that were so wretched to end.  There are several things that have prevented me from stepping over the line.  The greatest one of all is my family, my children.  During my last bought I was tired, yes tired as I usually am in those times, but tired of being here or I should say there as now I’m in a very healthy space.  I couldn’t function well, communicate, eat, feel joy nor even cry.  I could look down at my legs and they were almost the size of my arms…skin and bones, the muscles eaten away by this horrible disease that likes to roost in my head.  Here is what saved me and will continue to do so.

If I left, if I died, if depression won what would that have looked like?  There are many pictures to envision, but this is what played through in my head. First off I must say I’m not a religious person.  Despite this I questioned “What if there is a heaven and those who commit (I say commit as it’s viewed as a sin in this hypothetical situation) suicide don’t make it in?  What if they float in purgatory or some other scary place? So for me, what if I were to be “floating” somewhere beyond this Earth and all I did was watch my kiddos,  see their reaction when they heard I was gone, that I took my life?  What if I continued to watch them for eternity?  See their pain.  Feel their pain.  These thoughts and questions are what keep me on the living side. I would much rather endure the pain and suffering in my brain then to witness their pain and suffering as well as them feeling the pain.  *I need to add a note here. If you’re reading this and believe I need to be “saved” I appreciate your concern.  I respect your thoughts and religion, so I ask you to respect mine. I live my life to the best that I can and this is what matters to me.  If this is enough when my time comes, great!  If it isn’t, then I’m not so sure I would want to walk through “those gates”.

Now back to Alex.  Sixteen years of age! She, all teenagers, live in the now. Heck even as adults we live in the now, but we do have life experience to help us move along. But with teenagers, this very moment can feel like the end all be all.  Their sixteen year old minds don’t have the perspective to look beyond the current moments especially in the dark and dreary moments.  I know so many, so many kids who are battling with anxiety or depression or low self-esteem or too many daily pressures or loneliness or all of the above and more.  For me, at 44, I have worked my butt off trying to get better or I should say be better at managing my disease. But for teens, how do they know what to do to manage their emotions, fears, pressures, sense of disconnection?  I don’t remember taking a class on this nor have I seen one when my kiddos registered for school.  This…this needs to HAPPEN!  

See I recognize if I say “yes” to killing myself I say “no” to: my kiddos hugging me, my dog following me around the house, sitting on the sidelines watching my kids’ sports, being available for those who need me, breathing in air when it is the change of season, catching a butterfly in my sight as it flitters by, stopping a conversation because I point out a cool cloud, etc.  These type of thoughts don’t even get into what my kids would be missing if I said “yes”…I can’t go there in my mind. When we choose to go one way we then give up all the other ways.  For teenagers do they have the ability to recognize that this too shall pass?  Do they understand nothing is permanent, life is in constant flux?  Do they stop to think all that they are giving up when they make that move to take their last breath?  My answer is no.  When they are so down in the muck of the moments, don’t have extensive time under their belts to give perspective, haven’t been given mental health tools and resources early in childhood (I mean seriously, we are all given dental health tools when we are young), and don’t have examples of all shapes and sizes of people walking around with similar battles, then how in these desperate times can they hold on to whatever hope they may have?  How can they know hope exists?

It is way past time to end the stigma, de-clothe the body from shame and for us adults to lean into this arena and say ENOUGH!  We need to dedicate resources to build our kids up early on, teach them positive mental health skills, give examples of adults walking around who manage their personal mental health disease(s).  We need to be willing to dedicate resources to this.  If you build strong and resilient kiddos, you then have less kiddos turning to drugs and alcohol as a form of coping.  Yesterday I went to the pet store to get food for my dogs.  A store that is almost the size of a grocery store.  In 2016 we, Americans, spent 66.75 billion dollars on our pets!  Yes I meant to type a “b”.  I find it easier to raise funds for cute looking puppies then funds towards mental health and prevention services for youth.  Why is this?  Before I get called out…I do love my dogs, but if I had to make a choice between my children and dogs, the kiddos would win.  The children and children of the future have to be made a priority in giving them the resources and tools they need.

I’m tired of hearing about kids like Alex.  Kids who have so much going for them, but are stuck at looking just at the tip of their nose and not beyond.  To be continued…my kiddos call!

Rise & Shine

I need to get back to my time spent at Wesley Woods as in many ways it was very comical, but  sometimes things come to mind I may forget and they take over.

Rise & Shine has had several manifestations over the years, but it had a a life changing one a few weeks back.  First off I’m amazed by the various Rise & Shine gifts I have received over the years.  Mugs, a pillow cover, a plate, pictures, a ring, bracelets, clay art, cards and a multitude of pictures on FaceBook.  Back in Texas I was a ten year volunteer with my local children’s advocacy center.  Towards the end of my time there I sometimes felt I was tattooed with the words “child sexual abuse”.  If something regarding abuse was occurring within my circle of friends or community members I typically received a call asking questions, expressing concerns and oftentimes venting about something happening in the community.  There were times it was draining, times where I harbored frustration as I felt limited as to what I could do.  After many years this took a toll on me.  I know people who have worked in the field for years and years.  People who wake up in the morning knowing the day ahead hosts numerous interviews of children who have been abused to then be followed by writing reports. I wouldn’t be able to do this day in and day out.

I have found something I can wake up to and feel motivated without being drained, and with minimal feelings of being overwhelmed.  My new tattoo I have been branded with is “mental health”.  Not only is this personal, something I have to manage daily, but it now falls into my professional bucket.  My focus in the last couple of years has been towards the youth, as in the past, but with a focus on mental health.  Mental health from a prevention standpoint as well as mental health disease when it has taken hold. 

When I draw a circle and write mental health in the middle I see offshoots going to addiction, suicide, bullying, physical/sexual abuse, educational issues, eating disorders, etc.  If we can begin to tackle mental health issues from a proactive standpoint we may be able to affect the various offshoots.  I say “can” as we need dedicated resources specifically directed towards mental health resources, quality resources. We need to do away with the stigma.  We need to talk and share our experiences. The youth of today need to know there are adults walking around with diagnoses, who take medicine, who alter their lives, who seek therapy, who monitor themselves and their thinking, and have no issue raising their hand to ask for help.

When I see someone with cancer living their life and thriving I say so could I.  When I see someone missing a limb and competing in sports I say so could I. When I see someone confined to a wheelchair I say so could I. When I see someone going through physical therapy I say so could I.  Do I see someone walking with mental illness?  I don’t unless they take the time to tell me.  So how will our youth be able to say “so could I”?

I had a revelation as mentioned above.  While sitting in class for my yoga certification discussing being grounded it hit me.  We can’t Rise & Shine if we aren’t grounded or rooted.  In order to rise we need to start from somewhere. We need to have a sense of foundation and solid ground.  We do this by taking care of our mental health.  We do this by advocating and backing mental health services.  We do this by saying screw the stigma and shame, we shed these.  We do this by talking and sharing when appropriate.  We do this by asking for help.  We do this by not feeling guilty for self-care.  We do this by valuing the brain just as we do other organs in our body.

It took me years to get to this point.  To know the potion I need to keep myself healthy and limit the impact to myself as well as others. I Rise & Shine taller and brighter and work my a$$ off to go further!  I do this for myself, my kids, my family, my friends, my community and the youth of today.  I can be a role model and so can you!

Rise & Shine

My next post was planned to be a continuation of the previous (my adventures in Wesley Woods).  I feel pressed to write instead about something else, but plan to get back to my story.

For the last week or so I have been watching a dear friend slide into the depths of depression.  I’m tasting what it’s like to be on the other side.  From the outside I see what a great path he has been on: creating and starting a new career, resolving a relationship, connecting with his kiddos in better ways,  taking care of his health, etc.  But as I know none of this matters when the brain chemistry changes and takes over.  So what do I do?

I know from my own experiences what has been helpful and how I handle the challenges of the funk, but I can’t assume it’s the same for him as each of us who faces this battle has our unique manifestation and ways of coping.  So rather than assume and come from my perspective and experiences I flip it back to him.  My new daily question via text is “What would be helpful for you today?”

Some days I don’t receive a response and others I might read, “Thanks for checking in.  I’m just really tired and need to be by myself.”  Other days it may be “I could use some company to help get me out of my mind.” 

To sit next to someone you know and see their personality completely transform is such a heartbreaking and odd thing to witness. His face is starting to dramatically look different to me.  I have witnessed this when I have looked in the mirror in the throes of it, but to look at someone else is something difficult to put into words.

As I type this I have even more compassion for the ones who witness those they love sink and live in the hole.  I now see how difficult it is. My stomach bubbles with worry, my eyes get wet with tears, and my mind has a myriad of thoughts and emotions.

To you, those who stand beside mental illness, I would give each of you a hug as I know you need it.  I would say, “You are appreciated even if the words don’t come across to you.”  Like many things in life this isn’t a sprint it is a marathon.  And, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!  Don’t give up the things that are helpful to you.  Take deep breaths, go out in nature, listen to music, talk to a compassionate person, remember the saying, “This to shall pass.”  There is no specific plan for the “caretakers”.  One must do what works for them.

A squeeze, a hug and kiss on the cheek to those who are the witnesses.

May we all Rise & Shine!

He sat across from me and said, ”I’m not sure.  I’m on the fence.  Let me ask you a question.  Do you ever feel like you’re on top of the world?”

Taking a brief moment to respond. “No.”  About a minute later, “There are times I feel like I can take it all on.  Like I’m Wonder Woman and can solve any problem that comes my way.  At those times anything is possible and surmountable.”

Looking at me while raising an eyebrow, “Would you be open to adding an additional medication?”

Thought in my mind, “Oh so you are offering me a new cocktail.”

Screech…Rewind….Back in Time…Four Months Earlier…

I’m not sure how I mustered the strength to get in the car, put my foot to the pedal and grasp the steering wheel, but I did.  It must have been due to the small amount of hope left in me and the thought of my family.  I was either going to sit and watch the world go by or attempt to join the living by entering the door of “The Woods”.

Those who know me well may have heard something to this effect on numerous occasions, “Wow, look at that tree!” or “Yeah, that’s the corner with the big Water Oak.” or  “I would love to go live up in that Magnolia.”  I’m one of the biggest tree lovers you can find and I can admit a bit obsessive.  But these trees, this patch of woods surrounding where I would be spending three days a week for 3 months were trees that felt like big monsters waiting to gulp me up!

I entered the building and reported in to my family I had made it to my destination.  As usual I was met with drab, blah painted walls.  I’ve been told oftentimes mental health facilities are designed to be vanilla in order to not irritate or set one off with too much stimuli.  Well, what about us depressed in the funk people trying to climb out of the hole!?!?

I took the elevator down to my destination and was given a name tag before meeting with an intake worker.  I have no idea what he told me, but it is safe to assume he gave me more details regarding the program than I had known before walking through the doors.  Next stop, I entered another set of doors which was now my home away from home on a M,W,F schedule.  I took a seat and the counselor welcomed me and asked the group members to introduce themselves. There were about eight other people, more women than men and let’s just say most of them had way more grey hair than me.

The counselor announced we would be watching the documentary, “Happy” from filmmaker Roko Belic.  Now, in full disclosure I had watched this at some point when I was in a good mental health state and probably enjoyed it with the exception of the given title, “Happy”.  Happy is a word that is a bit empty and artificial to me. I believe we are put here not to be happy, but to thrive.  Thrive implies action whereas happy implies a state of being.  This is my opinion, not Webster’s stated meaning.

In my head, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.  I have to sit here and hear about happiness when it is something that has been so foreign as of late.  A slap in the face reminder of how broken my brain is.”  I just wanted to run out of the room.  I zoned out, watched the clock and calculated all of the hours I would be spending in this windowless room for the next coming months.  In place of the lack of windows there was a lovely 1980s wallpaper scene of the woods. Oy vey!

As a break from the torture we headed to lunch.  A small cafeteria with food, probably not the best food options for brain or body health, was laid out in front of me.  One of the group members came and quietly whispered in my ear, “We all sit together over at that table.”  Her intentions were sweet, but my thoughts were not!  “You mean I have to spend more time with you guys?”  I needed to get out.  I needed fresh air. I needed the natural world environment. But, in Marnie style I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so I found a chair to join the table.  I sat in silence, played with a container of open yogurt and again watched the clock.

My next ruminating thoughts “Why did I agree to come here?  These people are nothing like me.  Maybe I can tackle this on my own.  Maybe there will be some entertainment value here like “Girl, Interrupted”.

Day one came to a close and as I walked to my car I told myself I would find a way to not come back to this place, but deep down I knew I needed to.  This was what felt like a last chance for me.  I was running out of options.

Still I Rise & Shine

Well where does one begin when it has been well over a year since writing or I suppose the correct term, blogging. I can say I’ve traveled to great places, experienced celebrations and disappointments, learned new skills, taken on new hobbies, met some amazing people and more recently have one child soon moving on to middle school and another to his junior year in high school. And yes, if you are wondering do we have a new driver in the house, we will next Tuesday by noon EST. Oh and how dare I forget, I have joined the new generation of computer users. I have a MacBook Air. My dinosaur pooped out on me which was probably perfect timing, as a week before I was sitting in a hip part of Atlanta in a coffee house when what to my wondering eyes appeared, but twenty bright glowing Apples. Yes, I felt old and outdated.

Speaking of old, I am now 44. Honestly that number doesn’t mean much to me. I’m more concerned with how my body can move, do I have aches and pains, do my insides function as best as they can, should I embrace the gray, are there more wrinkles on my forehead and the most dreaded…Am I showing signs of old-people chin hairs. Those who may see me in person have full permission, in fact, I plead to you to tell me when you notice one, two or a forest, please! In fact my medical power of attorney is charged with plucking any facial hair should I be bed bound and unconscious. Yeah I know, sounds a bit vain, but I own it.

There is a big part of my health that I have changed or I should say I have become more aware of.

Last summer in July the funk began to take hold. I felt it coming on and anxiety came along for a ride as well. Knowing where I was heading and how it has progressively been worse each time, deeper into the pit, I wanted to SCREAM! It all seemed unfair, not just to me, but to all I know and those who depend on me.

Fast forward by a month, the kids started school on August 1st while I went deep inside and couldn’t find a way out. Buddha made some calls to those who are in the know and put them on standby should they be needed. I’m not sure how many days Buddha came home during lunchtime, sat next to me on the sofa and then walked me to the car to go get some lunch. He even took my phone, opened the notes, asked me what I was thinking and then typed a list. Here are some of the entries:

I’m not a failure no matter how I feel or what thought comes to mind.

I’m not worthless no matter how I feel or what thought comes to my mind.

This bad feeling will end no matter how I feel or what thought comes to mind.

My body will not blow up no matter how I feel or what thought comes to mind.

No matter how I feel or what I think my body functions are fine.

We then set a timer so I would remember to look at these from time to time. Sounds silly to you? When I get caught up in ruminating hours and hours can go by. Having the ding of the phone reminded me to switch tracks. It didn’t necessarily work all the time.

On one of our lunch outings Buddha presented me with some papers. In a very gentle way he told me I needed to get help. He investigated with colleagues what the options could be for me. He learned Emory has an outpatient program and urged me to apply. Was I applying to join the insane? I recited the answers and he was my scribe. Next, we would hear later that afternoon if I was accepted and when I could start. Later that afternoon Buddha sat down and told me I wasn’t accepted. The tears flowed and I felt like I was stuck in a corner. If there were indents on the wall I could climb out, but there was nothing. We found out I was rejected as I didn’t have a thorough and recent evaluation from a psychiatrist. Just like most situations in life there are ways to work a system and Buddha found them.

Hours later I was sitting in Emory’s ER in a hallway crying to a hospital psychiatrist. Someone walked by and I heard them say, “Is she the family member of #4?” I wanted to shout, “No, I’m the one who has lost her mind and is fucking crazy!” The doc who worked with me was great. I don’t remember specific details, but I do remember her ability to give me a taste of some calmness in my mind.

Next, came the conversation of my options. I could be hospitalized or attend the outpatient program. If I didn’t have family depending on me, the kids only in their second week of school and the fear of what I had seen in movies, I was wanting to head towards hospitalization. The doctor stepped out and called Buddha. Yes, he wasn’t there as he had to drop me off at the ER in order to get Mia from school as a big storm was coming in. I guess there could have been some comfort in knowing that mother nature and I were in sync together. I wasn’t alone.

When Buddha arrived he and the doc sat down and asked me what I wanted to do. Buddha reassured me he could handle any decision made and not to worry about the kids. He would cover it all. Funny thing, the doc on a few occasions tended to push me away from inpatient, she was subtle, but I felt it. She made it clear I was a candidate for either of them. Do you know what it’s like to make a decision when your brain is somewhere else, deep in the throws, MIA? It is like starring at a sentence on a piece of paper written in a foreign language.

Eventually the decision was made. Outpatient it would be and I would be reporting to work my ”shit” the next day. Upon returning home we needed to address the kids as they knew I was in the ER, but didn’t know why. We simply said my brain was in the funk and I needed help, as usual they were great. We reminded them I, we, have been through this before and we will get through it again, but this time with some ammunition to get through the battle.

Next up…Wesley Woods became my go to, 3 days a week for 3 months. What a ride! Next time my fingers touch these keys “The Wesley Woods Experience”.

I still Rise & Shine

I hear his footsteps and lay there for a few minutes more.  Okay, it is Saturday but once again my sleeping clock doesn’t pay attention to that fact so I jump up and head to make my morning coffee.  Check on the kids still sleeping, begin my morning routine and settle into my cozy world for an hour before the house comes alive with the pitter patter of feet and paws along with the voices and barks.

Problem, I never looked at the clock and as I get settled with half a cup of coffee down, I see it is 3:30am!  The doc’s footsteps represented a middle of the night emergency not the start of a regular day. CRAP!  For him and me and most likely the patient he is getting out of bed for.

So what to do at 3:30am awake and now more than a cup of coffee down?  Let my mind free associate.  Try it…let’s see…here goes…

As I went to make my second cup of coffee, staling at the granite countertop, I wonder, what part of the world it came from?  Who in history touched this?  The dinosaurs, an Indian tribe, one of the great world explorers, my genetically related ancestors?

Why are hamburgers called hamburger instead of beefburgers?

Will those bags of Swedish candy get the best of me today?

Do I really want the kids to have a sleepover tonight considering my day just started way tooooo early?

How different would my life be if I stayed on the business track in college?

It is amazing when you realize your time is limited with something/someone and how the lens you look out changes drastically.  Everything is brighter…why can’t we just use those glasses every day?

Why do my dogs do what they do?  Yoshi attacks his tail and hind leg like it is a Texas rattler.  Vilne stares in my eyes like he is analyzing my brain…may explain his propensity to act at times like he has brain damage.

Wow, it is a bit odd that we just let animals roam our house…really…really when I think about it…weird.

I would hate to be a bicycle seat!

Oh yes…totally forgot how I love the Cowboy Junkies!

Nothing can compare to music you can touch, CDs or vinyl.  Something is just missing with the digital transformation.

Ah yes, the smell of a fresh textbook.  Yes, I’m a dork!

My brokenness has helped me tremendously!  Wearing a mask does no good!  Refreshing to have it gone!

If I played the victim and cried to the various police officers would I have a better driving record?

How will my days end here?  Some days I look forward to the assisted living lifestyle…can I check in early?

Allowing someone to help you is one of the best gifts you can give them.

There are two groups, the takers and two-wayers.  Run from the takers, unless you are looking to have the life sucked out of you.  Embrace the two-wayers, not in the sexual way; well I’m not judging, okay whatever, embrace the people in your life who bounce the ball back!

God, I just wish I could walk out my front door and walk down a city street!

When will I have my next good ugly cry?

How different would my life be and where would it be if I did not go to battle on what matters to me?

Gosh darn it, have faith and vision, we are going to raise a lot of money…REV IT UP!

Will I end up taking a nap today?  What is on the agenda?  Oh yes Christmas is sitting in the dining room.

Do not let Christmas stay until Spring Break.  DO NOT!!!!

Where are the kiddos I chased after on the streets of Chicago?  Did the system work for them in the end?

Are my HIV kiddos alive today?

Is the Long Island Medium stuff real?  If so, do my loving spirits witness everything?  The horizontal hula and so forth?  If so, I’m so sorry Grandma for my teenage years.  I think I turned out okay…right?  Okay, are you sitting next to me shaking your head? Can you give me a sign?  Hmmm…what can you do to prove you’re here?  Okay, I’m spooking myself out!

Someday are we going to look back and say “Duh, all those fragrant lotions and such you have slathered on your skin over the years were getting absorbed in your body. Didn’t you stop to think that could cause some issues?”

Ah yes, the Beatles, love them too.  Wow, Stars on 45!

Crap my view on this document just changed…how to fix?

Okay, I’m now finally 10 minutes away from when I would normally wake up.

Try to go to bed, read, watch TV, pay attention to my addiction…TED Talks?

Are we going to get more snow? I have my sled ready and new tires so bring it on!

One year from today what will I be doing?

Hopefully, I will Rise and Shine!

Warning: I have finished this blog and realized I spent too much time doing so…I have not editied this or spell checked…I need to run…

I sit here and think back to what I was doing 6 years ago…

I was sitting in a skimpy hospital gown waiting for my epidural while my husband talked medical lingo with nurses.  No, not my nurses, his patients’ nurses.  Yes, Charles worked throughout Mia’s birth, no hurt feelings here.  Yes, in a perfect world it would have been great to have him completely by my side, massaging my shoulders, saying words of encouragement as the doctors prepared my belly to take on scar number 3.  Who am I kidding?  I’m the type of person when faced with potential pain I go within and don’t want to be bothered.  Like when you have been worshipping the porcelain god and finally find a comfortable spot where you feel okay, the world isn’t spinning, your stomach is at ease and you can finally feel a normal body temperature.  At these moments, thank goodness they don’t happen often, those close to me know to let me be.

I realize I went off on a tangent. Today I celebrate Mia turning 6, in a few days I celebrate Amanda turning 18, then a few days later Cole turns 11 and then a few days from there Charles turns…older.  This is a busy time of year for our family, well really for me seeing as I’m the family party planner, and I must admit there are several times I think, “I can’t wait until June 11th”.  June 11th is the day after all of the birthday madness.

Amongst this week of madness, I kicked off June by attending an all day seminar on a therapy modality I have used, but wanted to get better at.  I left the seminar yesterday with more tools in my box, but also left with a life lesson in my heart.

First I must say, you know you are getting older when you question if the instructor found the best plastic surgeon in the world seeing as she has no wrinkles on her face and has that perky look to her.  At the end of the day, I soon learned there is no plastic surgeon involved.  I have been sitting in front of a 25 year old all day, not a 25 year old wannabee.

Robin was the instructor for the day and was wise beyond her years.  I always love running into these types of people because I know that somewhere in their life there is a story there.  At the end of the day I learned what Robin story is.

Towards the end of the seminar Robin touched upon loss/grief involving the therapy modality we were all there for.  As usual I looked ahead in the handouts to see where we were going and saw the name Kyle Ritcheske along with a saying “Good People Change the Way You Live”.  My first thoughts were, should I know this name, should I know this quote, did I know this at one point and that information was part of the brain cells that have left my brain?  I soon found out that this name is new to me, but I know it will not be a name I forget.

I’m going to write the following in the voice of Robin:

It was about 4 years ago and I was with a group of friends sitting in tubes in a lake at a friend’s weekend house.  We were all having a good time and suddenly someone said where did Kyle go.  He was just gone, not in his tube, he disappeared.  We knew we didn’t see him get out of the lake.  We all went into a panic and started diving into the water, yelling his name.  Kyle was gone.  Fast forward…Kyle died.  He had a silent seizure while sitting in his tube and drowned.

We had to call his family who lived in Michigan to share the news.  Days later there were the usual ceremonial events that take place following a person’s death.

Back to my voice:

Oftentimes people look at the wake/funeral/etc. as the closing piece.  These rituals honor the person who has passed, but they also gives those left behind some closure.  My mind goes back to January 15th of this year.  The day my mom, Marsha, passed away.  I was sitting in The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas talking to my dad in Pennsylvania.  There is nothing more surreal than dealing with life/death in the town where everything is fake.  My dad stated he has chosen to postpone a service for Marsha until May.  For selfish reasons I was disappointed.  I needed for this chapter to wrap up.  It had been consuming so much of my mind, time and energy…I needed closure or so I thought.

On May 5th we held a celebration honoring Marsha.  It was held in the beautiful rolling hills of Eastern Pennsylvania.  We were in nature, the birds were in flight and chirping, and the sun was warming our skin.  There were about a 100 of us who set aside this day to celebrate Marsha.

After the beautiful day, my dad’s house was filled with family, friends, laughter, tears, and good food.  My dad knows how to feed us and well!  Later that day my dad told my sister and me to look around the house and let him know what we wanted.  That was somewhat awkward, but eventually I felt more comfortable as memories came back while looking at various remnants of life .  In the end I took: the Scrabble Board we played growing up, a few sentimental jewelry items, a sweatshirt, a scarf, some of my dad’s paintings (he is an awesome artist) and a stretchy beaded bracelet with some little buddhas on it.

Back to Robin and her words:

Kyle died in a tragic manner and none of us were able to tell him goodbye like you would with someone dying from a terminal illness.  We didn’t want to close the book on Kyle, we didn’t want to say goodbye, we chose to say “Hello”.  We keep Kyle alive by telling stories about him. We created a FB page to honor and remember him.  The FB page has grown from a group of people who knew him when he was physically here with us to a group of people who know Kyle through stories and pictures.  I was just in Hong Kong a couple of weeks ago with friends and we brought Kyle with us.  We have a flag that travels with us representing Kyle.  We talked about how Kyle would enjoy this trip.  We keep Kyle alive in our thoughts.  We say hello to him everyday.  We haven’t said goodbye to him forever.

Back to me:

I had a 45 minute drive home in Dallas traffic after the seminar.  It was a beautiful day, hot, but not uncomfortably hot.  There was a slight cool breeze in the air, well for Texas standards.  I had the car top down enjoying the moment.  I looked over at my rearview mirror and saw the stretchy beaded bracelet with the buddhas. I now realize I have been taking Marsha with me on my daily car adventures.  She’s been part of some interesting conversations, sibling fights, and some good Sonic limeades.  Oh, not to mention some great music.

Today I celebrate Mia turning 6 and giving us joy!  I also celebrate and live with all of the people who are no longer visibly present in my life, but are present in my memories and the footprints they have left.

RISE AND SHINE!