Rise and Shine Girl Blog

Well hello!  I have no idea how long it has been as I type in Word and then transfer over to my blog.  I guess I will find out upon transferring.  What I do know is that my life has taken a dramatic shift on many levels!

As I type this I am sitting in Atlanta, Georgia, not on a business trip or vacation, but typing from a place that I now call home. This has been home for the last 10 days and I hope it will be for many more.  For those who know me well, I never like to jinx anything so when asked about how something is going, I say, “the weather is good” with a twinkle in my eye.  So if you ask how it is going here please refer to the previous sentence.

It is interesting how life unfolds with experiences that come one’s way building upon each other to prepare for the next ones.  There are an abundance of dots I can connect that have led to this very moment as I sit here typing while looking out from my perch into my beautiful new neighborhood.

Ah, my new neighborhood.  How do I put what I feel and see into words?  Kaleidoscope!  From the people, architecture, trees (and I LOVE trees), roads, food, beliefs, birds (love not so much), chipmunks and the beautiful people I have met so far, it makes one beautiful, unpredictable view piece!  My heart and mind have found a home.  Now, this does not diminish my love for Texas one bit.  The lone star state and all of the wonderful peeps who have become dear friends and family are irreplaceable.  For me at this stage in my life the urban vibe feeds and motivates my soul.  Yes motivates!   

In 2000 Buddha and I packed up our belongings from Chicago along with our 105 lbs. labrador, Ely, and headed to Texas. It will be 14 years ago come July 24^th.  I was a mere 27 years old, newly married, desperately trying to get pregnant or maintain a pregnancy, with the world in front of me moving to an area where I didn’t know a soul.  In those 14 years we had two children, 3 dogs, 1 guinea pig, 3 fish, one bearded dragon and all the pet lizards that lived outside of our house and sometimes in!  During those 14 years I have lost dear loved ones, sat and slept at hospital bedsides, opened up and allowed my friends to become my family, learned that I can’t be the Rock of Gibraltar all of the time, I worked hard at a marriage that sometimes drove me crazy, learned that Texas has a uniqueness that is difficult to put into words and most importantly at the end of the day it is the people in your life who truly make a difference.  With all of that said, my dear and deep Texas friendships will stay and continue to be cultivated until the day I die as they are one of my prized possessions.  Okay I’m not trying to be controlling and realize people aren’t possessions, but think of something that is uber important to you…got it now?  This is how I feel about my friends!

I kind of forgot where my mind was going with all of this…Motivates, yes!  In recent years I think I became so comfortable with my life, the surroundings, routine, the people and my extra 10 pounds (thank you 40s) that it is was easy to go with the status quo.  Wake up, new day, same routine, but maybe a few new wrinkles!  All of the newness here in Atlanta to my eyes and other senses is a huge motivator for change on every level.

Interestingly, just about a year ago to the day I had one of my life’s big game changers, the depression monster! No need to go into all those details as I think there is a previous blog about it.  The winding road of life is so amazing.  Last summer we took a trip to Norway and Sweden to see our exchange son and daughter.  This trip took place in the midst of my darkness.  One of the things I took away from that trip was that the way we are living, we meaning my family, but also the American way, became so far away from what I wanted for my life, my husband and my kiddos that something needed to change.  I don’t know that I was thinking this on the front of my mind, but it was brewing.

Everywhere we stayed during the trip had all that we needed, was beautiful, and had a purpose.  I started to take stock of the abundance of things, square footage, and duplicates in my life and family’s life.  What we lacked was an abundance of time to spend the time on what really is important to us.  When we arrived back home my depression plummeted further as I missed the Scandinavian way.  I remember thinking if I could rework the house choice we made, extra clutter, the multitude of duplicates, and shift how my time is spent along with my family time I would be healthier and in a better place.

Here I am now sitting in that place I imagined would be better for us, my family.  For some, change is exciting, for others it is a four-letter word, sometimes it is necessary and it isn’t always easy.  What I can say about change is that it is an all senses aboard road trip.  I realize a life move is not something that happens every day, thank God as I look over a stack of boxes that need to be unpacked, but change is change.  From driving a different route, to changing a standard response, trying a new food, making a new friend, switching the side of the bed you sleep on, to not shaving your legs for a week (some change shouldn’t be tried) and trying a new activity.  Change can be simple and change is good, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.  We are meant to evolve, grow and yes age.  Aging is a topic for another time, but I must say I have landed in the neighborhood of deflated boobs and feel right at home. Looks like this area is a plastic free zone!

As you start your day think about a change you can make, big or small.  Don’t stop there…go do it!

RISE AND SHINE!

For the last three months I have been waking up at 5:30am every morning to have time for myself before the heartbeat of life gets beating faster.  There is no doubt that this has become part of my therapy.  Oftentimes when I go to bed I am already excited to wake-up and start the day…I think of my coffee, what I’m going to read, and at this time of the year how I can stare at the Christmas Tree in complete silence.  Ironically, it was only 5 months ago that I couldn’t wait to have a reason to be in my bed, dreading the rising of the sun starring off in space as the world past me by.

I know in a recent blog I mentioned I’d get back to my depressing little story. I don’t go back and read them, at least I haven’t as of yet, so I’m not too sure where I left off.

What I do know is that it wasn’t so easy to get help or find immediate access to help.  You would think differently seeing as I’m in the social work world and Buddha is in the medical world.  I had an appointment on the calendar to meet with my family doc as I do every 3 months to go over blood work; nothing major…I’m not dying mom if you read this.  I thought, “This is the day”. I will mention to her how I’m feeling and that something needs to be done.  As I waited in the room I tried to read, but I hadn’t been able to read all summer and nothing was different at that moment, so I stared.  I studied the anatomy of the heart as it was posted on the wall.   For a brief moment I thought, if my heart would stop beating this would all end.

The doc finally came in and it felt different.  She seemed cold which is so not her.  Next thing I knew she turned around with tears in her eyes and said, “Marnie I can’t lie to you.”  My mind clicked and I jumped into social work mode, something I was unable to do all summer.  She proceeded to tell me they found a mass in her husband’s liver and so on and so on.  So much for sharing my depressing little story that day.  I told a friend this story and after I mentioned the tears in my doctor’s eyes, my friend said, “Oh my gosh, were you thinking the blood results were bad.”  I looked at her and laughed.  Then I said, “You know that never came to mind, but at that moment if she would have reported that my future was limited and my days were numbered I would have considered it a blessing to end the misery going on in my head.”  Yes, scary and freaky thinking, but I’m being honest.

Later that night I told Buddha the story.  Being in a medical family is always interesting.  When I seek medical treatment I either get way too much information and every test done on me to cover all bases or I get told very little as if sleeping in the same bed with the doc transfers all the medical knowledge over to my brain.  Heck, if that was the case I would have gone after sleeping with the biggest book nerd!

Buddha just looked at me after I told him and asked what I was going to do.  At that moment I felt a little better and said, “I think just attempting to tell someone helped me feel a bit better.”  I shrugged it off not wanting him to worry.

Here is the thing.  I have witnessed so much heartache, loss, sadness, pain, misfortune, unanswered questions and more through the eyes of clients over the years.  I know and have seen how nasty life can get and yet where I sit in life, I’m fortunate and blessed, yet that did nothing for me this summer.   I couldn’t count my blessings, be grateful and thankful, be happy and thrive from where I was sitting.  My brain was broken.

A few years ago I had a client in a questionable area in Dallas.  I was sent there to see if I could help a squatter leave her house.  There was nothing legally the police could do, long story, so send in the social worker.  I was told ahead of time, “there are no door knobs on the house, she has AIDS, she was an exotic dancer back in the day and we really need you to help get this squatter out as the home health nurses are starting to refuse to go see her.”  Needless to say this was not going to be easy and I have to admit a bit daunting.  Times have changed since I used to run around the streets of Chicago.  We now have Google Earth.  I was able to put in the address of where I needed to go, view the neighborhood, see where the public places were, the school and basically a safe path out if I needed to get out of there in a hurry.  I also had my phone ready to dial 911 if needed and comfortable shoes to run in.   Wow, as I type this I can feel my blood pumping.  This is the type of social work my heart loves to do!  My mind has been fed over and over, “Start with where the client is at”.  Some would say I take it too literally which has probably been true in some cases, but I know what feels right in my gut at that time and I know my success rate.

I could go into all the details of this encounter, but honestly I could write an entire short story about what happened that day.  Summary, I stared into the bright blue eyes of a woman who had been dealt a raw deal in life.  A woman who woke up every day and tried her best, like we all do.  A woman who had a dresser full of meds she took throughout the day to keep ticking.  A woman who despite the fact that she barely had food to eat and that she was getting electricity to her house by bumming off the neighbor’s line still sparkled as we talked.  A woman whose son was in prison.  A woman who had no door knobs on her house and put a towel through the front door to open and close it.  A woman, despite all this and more, still got out of bed each day.  This past summer I could not get out of bed.  Oftentimes words could not leave my lips.  I could stare at a page in a book and not take in a word.  I had no sparkle.  I could not rise and shine!

I learned recently that Texas is the lowest ranked state for mental health dollars spent per capita. Just to give you an idea, in 2010 the national per capita rate was $126.56 and Texas’ rate was $38.99.  Since then the rate has gone down further and the really heartbreaking news is Denton County, where I live, is ranked the lowest county in Texas, stated at $11.11 per capita for 2012.  So in a nut shell, as far as mental health dollars spent, I live in an area that is the bottom of the barrel. In fact, I would say there is a whole in the bottom of the barrel and Denton County leaked out and isn’t even in the barrel anymore.

So what does this mean in regards to my depressing little story?  Access to get the care I needed in a timely fashion was not easy.  Since this summer, I have had many clients in a similar situation and I have spent numerous hours banging my head against the wall to find them timely and appropriate care.  I have begged and pleaded to get my clients in to see someone and not just someone, someone who knows what they are doing!

I’m feeling I have gone off on a tangent.  I know I still haven’t finished out my story.  I guess I have a lot on my mind in regards to all of this.  I’m including a few links in this blog that I have found helpful in understanding depression.

My outlook today is bright with sparkling eyes.  I notice all that is in front of me.  I focus on each moment.  I can honestly say this is the first time I truly feel 100% present, for the good and the bad.  I also am thankful for all that is in my life, the good and they bad.  As I write this on this Sunday morning staring out the kitchen window, I am also thankful for the little 4 year old who lives across the street from me, as he is a reminder of all the important things in life.

Rise and Shine!

Links:

http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it?c=upw1  (Excellent story at depicting Depression)

http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share.html  (Starts out slow but keep watching)

http://www.ted.com/talks/david_steindl_rast_want_to_be_happy_be_grateful.html  (Just watch it!)

http://www.ted.com/talks/diana_nyad_never_ever_give_up.html   (No matter what…we all have our journey in this life! Diana’s is amazing.  It is never too late!)

Yesterday in the cold Texas weather my family bundled up, parked, hiked, crossed the Eagle walking bridge over I35 and settled in to watch a UNT football game.  One particular family member wasn’t all that pleased or impressed, but a little hot cocoa, dancing to the music and some IPhone fun made the experience worthwhile for our 4’ 3” family member.  Oh the sacrifices we make for each other!

UNT lost.  They finally woke up in the second half of the game and had us all biting our nails as when the clock had  1 second to go and 6 yards to make a touchdown there was hope in sight.  Hope can be a powerful thing, but in this case it wasn’t enough.  As much as I wanted them to score, it would have tied the game thus meaning overtime, thus meaning more time freezing my you know what off.  This was pure THO weather!

As usual, the halftime show consisted of both schools entertaining the crowd with their marching band performance.  The opposing team went first, not a bad performance, but hands down Marcus HS Band would blow them away.  Regardless, they were good!  I have witnessed how much practice and dedication marching band members put towards perfecting their skill and performances.  In fact, I would say they probably practice more than any sport or school group that exists…rain or shine, cold or hot.  They are truly to be commended.

During the halftime show there were two baton twirlers and a host of flag dancers.  I was going to say very Texas, but that may very well be the norm.  I didn’t experience this growing up in the Midwest!  One of the baton twirlers had extra meat on her in comparison to today’s standards, I would fool myself if I claimed I didn’t notice and say she didn’t standout because of her size.  Looking at the flag dancers, there were two young men out there amongst the crowd.  Similarly to the baton twirler, this guy had some extra meat on his bones, an artsy hair style and carried himself differently than the majority of young men we see.  Again, I noticed and mulled through the thoughts I had in my head.

In front of me were a couple of families who apparently knew each other as the “dads” were shooting the breeze and yelling at the refs in the same fashion.  They were truly two peas in a pod.  I don’t blame them for yelling at the refs, not that they could be heard or the refs cared, but there were some horrendous calls made at that game.  I was sincerely concerned that the Denton Destroyer Mafia could be waiting for them after the game.  No that line of the mafia doesn’t exist, I made it up, but it sounds good!

Where was I, yes, the two dads in front of me.  When they noticed the baton twirler and the male flag dancer on the field they began to have a heyday with their commentary.  I refuse to repeat what they said or waste the words on this page going into detail, just know they were not pleasant thoughts or words.

Here is the thing; did my mind begin to have some not so favorable thoughts when I noticed the same people on the field?  Regrettably I need to admit, yes.  But, my next thoughts were, wow what courage and dedication they must have to put themselves out there.  They must have had some great role models in their lives who taught them to go for what they want regardless of what others might say or how they might react.  I also thought, they are someone’s son and daughter, brother and sister, future wife and husband, future father and mother.  They are no different than me!   They are no different than my children!  They deserve to shoot for the stars and go for it regardless what the outside package looks like.

I would be remiss if I didn’t have a full disclosure moment.  When I was a teenager, starting about late sophomore year, two tectonic plates collided and formed the Grand Tetons on my chest! I was barely 5 feet tall and had a chest that did not match my body frame.  Initially I didn’t let my personal mountain range get in the way, but over time it did!  Keep in mind, this was prior to today’s modern day bra technology and internet, so I was left finding boulder holders locally in the nearby department stores.  This was also during the time in print media that models were as flat as the ice on Lake Ellyn, meaning flat with occasionally a few bumps to be seen.  Fortunately at the time the culture was heading into the grunge era with Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Sound Garden and such.  I was able to get by with baggy shirts as that was the style for a while. Now when it came to dresses for functions and school dances that was a pain, figuratively and literally!

For me, fortunately I had parents who supported me and never questioned or pointed out the shadow my body casted.  They loved and supported me where I was at.  My friends accepted me and duh, guys accepted me probably for the wrong reasons, but after a while I didn’t accept myself.

Eventually it was a pain buying clothes as fads changed, finding bras that would fit and carrying bowling balls around on my chest.  Not to mention the pain I started to have in my shoulder and back.  I pulled away from sports as sports and my mountain range were not a pair made in heaven!  I can’t imagine if I had family, friends, guys and the general public commenting on my body.  In fact, who knows how I would have turned out!  Now don’t get me wrong, I know behind closed doors people could have said things and boys probably talked…don’t want to even go there!  The point, to my face, nothing, mostly nothing, was ever said!

I didn’t have to wait for Mother Nature to erode my mountains.  Thanks to the modern medical world I was able to change my mountain range to a set of rolling hills.  Makes me laugh as in today’s world women are paying to get what I had, well in a firmer form.  Who would have known, instead of taking out student loans for college, maybe I could have sold my leftovers!

Point being in all of this, WE ALL have something we don’t like about ourselves or something that we are sensitive about.  If you don’t, then I question if you are alive and human.  How would you feel if it was visible to the outside world and people picked away at it?  What if you heard someone commenting about your child’s soft spot?  How would you feel if your remark was shared with the one it was about and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

I honestly and truly believe that we all wake up every morning with wanting the best; we want to have good intentions.  But, we are human and imperfect, all of us!  Let us look at the positives and the strengths of people and put our focus there.  Hmmm…imagine all the possibilities if that were to happen for all!

RISE AND SHINE!

I mentioned a couple of blogs back that I would get back to my “little depressing story”.  I didn’t forget I said that and apparently a slew of my readers didn’t either!  So here goes…

If I go back through my life, I had it pretty good!  People on the outside world may have thought differently as I didn’t live in the best part of town, didn’t have the coolest clothes, drove a car that took 20 minutes to warm-up before it would move (not just in the winter), took care of my younger siblings, came from a divorced family, need I go on?  Regardless of all of this and more, I had a set of parents who supported me no matter what!  I will not go into all of those details and before this shows up as a comment, Pops, I will say it myself.  Yes, my parents even supported me as I hung out my bedroom window dangling by my fingertips grasping onto sheets in an attempt to run away.  FYI, that idea of tying sheets together to make a rope does work!

Point being, despite my childhood and trials and tribulations, I had a solid mindset and a connected brain.  I know some would beg to differ, but I can stand solidly and say it was true.  I went off to college, worked my way through, had a variety of relationships, battled with a broken heart, got engaged, got disengaged, had accomplishments and I thrived!

I was fortunate to get a great job after grad school, met amazing people and actually supported myself.  Well, until I left a job as an oncology social worker in a hospital after being there for only two months.  Me beeper and the telephone saw more of me than anyone else, so I moved on with $6.35 in my bank account.  Yes, the decimal is in the correct space!  Fortunately I was able to stuff envelopes for several months at $8 an hour, thanks to my aunt, and that was enough to squeak by.

Fast forward, I met Buddha, got married, planted flowers, built a brick patio (remained married after building a brick patio together) and had comfort.  Much like the Beverly Hillbillies, we packed up and moved to Texas!  Actually, the reverse of Jed and Jethro’s journey.  Just a little joke, I love Texas!  It was difficult to leave family and move to an area where we didn’t know a soul!  The one soul I have known the longest and still keep in touch with is Monica!  Love you!

Since being in Texas, we have had great opportunities, but we have also had great heartache.  Regardless, I always worked through it and came out on the other side feeling strong, grateful and thankful.  So why then, this summer, when there was nothing specific in my life dragging me down did I feel like I wanted to end it all?

It was the beginning of summer break for the kids and I took on a new job…constant taxi cab driver.  I found creative ways to maximize my time while the kiddos were at their various activities.  Thank goodness to coffee shops and WiFi.  One morning I was sitting at a shop, having coffee, on my computer and I noticed I had a difficult time focusing, pulling my words together.  Yes, that typically isn’t a problem!  I got somewhat frustrated as I had a timeline to stick to.  About a week later, I still had the same issue, but I noticed I didn’t have positive thoughts running through my head.  My energy was low, my excitement to get out of bed in the morning was diminishing and the worries about everything and anything took a room in my brain.

This past summer had great plans for me and my family.  We were heading back to Chicago for our usual trip and we were traveling to Sweden and Norway to visit more family.  Yes, they are our family!  It took every ounce of my energy and being to pull myself together to go on that trip!  It was great, it was amazing, it was spectacular, it was heartwarming, it was mind-blowing, it was…  If you would have asked me upon my immediate return what it was like I would have said, Great!  I didn’t have the words, energy or mindset to say anything else.  I can say everything about it now.  I look at pictures and remember being there, trying to enjoy it as much as I could, but it is sad because I can honestly say I wasn’t all there!

I spent several days in bed this summer complaining of stomachaches, when I knew it was my brain.  Buddha knew to an extent what was going on, but I tried to protect him from really knowing as I didn’t want him to worry.  My kids, I ask them now, and they say they didn’t really notice a difference…academy award please!  I do remember one summer night, it was about 6:30pm and the kids were asking about dinner.  I just stared out in space and couldn’t find the words to answer them.  I remember seeing Buddha across the room just looking at me, waiting to hear me speak, but nothing came out.  He stepped in, pulled together dinner and I can’t remember what happened from there.

Did I really want to leave everything and everyone I know, love and cherish?  Not really, I just wanted the horrific and horrible feelings and thoughts to end!  In my mind I started to think I had to make this stop and end!   Yes, I thought about not living anymore.  I didn’t get to the point of having a plan, thought of different ways, but never really laid anything out.  I did think if I wasn’t here how that would affect my kiddos and Buddha.  In my broken mind, I started to think, for a brief moment, well, they would have to come with me.  Yes, scary and wicked, I know!  It was during some of those thoughts that I think my social work mind stepped in and played therapist.  Thank God!

My journey to get help was not smooth as one would think seeing as I’m in the field of social work and mental health.  My eyes have been open to what people, not just people as I’m now in that group, we are faced with when trying to get help with our mental health.  More to come on that.

I will get back to this in other blog entries, but for now that is enough for me.  I have been approached and asked many questions since starting to share my “depressing little story”.  Please know it doesn’t bother me and no question is a bad one.  If you read this and think you are in the bucket with me, it does get better or it can get better…if you get help!  If you don’t know where to start, you know where to find me.

 RISE AND SHINE!

I write this sitting in a hotel room in San Francisco at 1:30am or 3:30am my native time.  If I was home I would be hearing Buddha tell me to get back in bed and go to sleep.  Sometimes that is easier said than done.  To my defense, I have been lying in bed for the last hour trying to go to sleep as fireworks of excitement have been having a 4^th of July celebration in my brain.  In my previous blog entry  I mentioned the next several entries would be devoted to talking about depression or my depression experience.  I suppose it could be woven into this entry, but that will not be my main focus as I write…

First off, I’m excited to report I have a new nickname to add to the many, The Texas Tornado.  My list has grown over the years, so I’m hoping some of the not so glamorous names will start to fall of the list, like Squatter.  If you were with me on a bus with GW high school students in 1991 you probably know what I’m referring to, if not, sorry you will just have to use your imagination!

Okay, I’m actually getting tired as I type this…so I’m going to just make this more simplified and highlight some points.  Here is what I have learned in 24 hours while in San Francisco…

1.  It is refreshing to stay a local, non-chain hotel with history and character, especially when they leave a rubber ducky for you.  True Story!
2. Don’t judge a book by its cover.  The bathroom is the size of a postage stamp and the shower probably dates back to the big San Fran Quake, but the power of the water and the perfect temperature is priceless.  Not sure what I just typed makes sense, moving on…
3. I love going into restaurants and dining by myself.  I had the best breakfast while watching the cable cars go by and singing…”Rice a Roni a San Francisco Treat”  I’m reminded once again of the power of words and music.
4. Cab drivers are some of the most interesting people I have ever met!  They have the best stories and brighten up when you ask them questions.  My cab driver visited Dallas about 15 years ago and was so excited to tell me about his adventures!
5. When you go above and beyond when tipping a driver or waitress those few extra dollars do more than add extra weight to their pockets, it validates how important they are!
6. The experience of attending a conference is amplified when you take time to reach out and connect with people, after all you might as well stay home and try and get the same training online.
7. Shoot for the stars!  If you are looking up you will at the very least end up with star dust, if you look down you will end up with dirt!  4 weeks ago this trip to San Francisco wasn’t on my radar screen.  I followed my gut in feeling I needed to attend and my gut was so right.
8. Checking your SPAM folder on a consistent basis is a must!  If I didn’t check mine, I would have lost the opportunity to submit a grant proposal for the Children’s Advocacy Center.
9. The non-profit sector makes more of a difference than our government and doesn’t shut down…no matter what!  We collaborate and put egos aside!
10. Being the oddball, in this case the only non-bay area attendee, often has more benefits than we know.   We need to capitalize on our oddballness.  I know that isn’t a real word.  Hence, I am and oddball.
11. A 2.5 mile walk in San Francisco area is not the same as a 2.5 mile walk back home.  Can we say I was up then I was down, then I was up and I was down, repeat about another 5 times.  Hmm, very much like the story of my last several years!
12. Who needs the Brazilian Butt Lift?  You don’t Amy S.!  Seriously, I have found the cure for the Flat Felsten Fanny…the SAN FRANNY FANNY WORKOUT.  If I lived here I would finally have a booty and inner calves.  Imagine a virtual machine you step into and it goes up and down as you walk, meanwhile you are immersed in the streets of San Fran.  Most times you would keep a steady pace as you go up and down, unless you find yourself in the Tenderloin…the pace may pick up a bit!
13. San Fran is my kind of place when it comes to shoe culture.  You don’t see high heels and big wedges everywhere you turn.  I suppose if you did the podiatrists would hit the jackpot in this town.  Heels and wedges don’t match well with the hills of San Fran.
14. I would have saved time and money on my ACL recovery as walking the streets would have been my therapy.  I take that back, I wouldn’t want to give up my time with my awesome physical therapist…thanks Brad!
15. People, relationships, conversation, laughter, smiles, solving the world’s problems make my heart flutter and my brain fire!  Thanks to Pete from Bath, England for telling me the lamb is a must order.  For three hours you gave me all of the above and as a result paced my eating, after my 2.5 mile climb I was ready to devour my food.  Your company allowed me to actually taste it! By the way, keeping a journal for 39 years is admirable, not weird.  One day your kids and wife will be so thankful you have done so!

Okay, this entry is coming to a close as I am not pooped with heavy eyes!  I just realized I forgot the best part…winning a $2500 grant for the CACDC!  To be continued… 

P.S-No spellcheck or grammar check on this one…too tired.

RISE AND SHINE!

I have hemmed and hawed in my head as to whether to share the following details of my life in written word.  Last night I received the answer, so here goes.

It is 8:30 am on an August Friday morning this past summer.  I get the usual morning call from Buddha (my husband) checking in to see what the kids and I have going on for the day.  My first thought was to pull myself together and attempt to respond in my normal manner, but then I just felt it, I knew I had to tell him what was and had been going on in my head…my brain.  I said, “Buddha, something is wrong with me.  I’m not right.  I’m still in bed, I don’t want to get out and I don’t have the energy to keep going.”  In a calm and caring way Buddha asked some questions.  This led me to tell him I had thoughts of hopelessness and questioning why I was here and not sure if I should be here.  You could say, or I should say I had some suicidal thoughts.  Not the kind where I was thinking of how I wanted to take my life and what a relief it would be, but more along the lines of what is the point of all of this, I’m tired of feeling this way, why has this started happening to me.   I told Buddha I was thinking of taking myself to the hospital as I knew something wasn’t right, I was concerned as to what was going to happen and I couldn’t go on like this anymore.  After some talk back and forth, we made another plan, we contacted a psychiatrist for me to see, but I was going to need to wait until Monday as she was out of town.  I have to admit making that appointment, even though I needed to wait a couple of days, gave me a small bit of hope to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other…take one moment at a time.

Now going back a couple months earlier from August is when this all began.  It was the last day of school and my kids where excited!  We had some great plans for the summer.  First on tap, our usual trip to Chicago to see family and friends with the cherry on the top, meeting our brand new family member Sadie!  There were also camps, the usual summer routine in Texas, chillin in the pool and hanging with friends.  Oh, new for this past summer was my son’s blossoming entrepreneurial skills, but that is another blog in itself!  The second big excitement on tap was a trip to Sweden and Norway to see our exchange kids, brother and sister, along with their families.  Who wouldn’t be excited and thrilled to have a summer like this?  Me, I had very little energy, excitement, focus, desire, and will to put forth this past summer.  Why, I know now, and can say it with my feet on the ground, head held high and with a mind that is properly wired that I have a battle to fight and that is called Depression.

I also have a new addiction and that is called TED talks.  I am attaching a link here for the TED talk I happened to come across last night and gave me the motivation to say out loud that I have depression.  I could go on and explain more about depression, but this remarkable 19 year-old does a fantastic job and has hit all the points I would share, so as they say why reinvent the wheel.  I encourage you to take the time to watch this TED talk as it is only 10 minutes long.  Whether depression has personally touched your life or a loved one, or you wake up every day with the wiring to protect you from depression, this is a great 10 minutes that can be mind, opinion and life changing.  We need to talk about depression and mental health.  The brain is a part of the human body and can get damaged and broken like any other organ/part of the human body.  Please feel free to share this post along with the link to the TED talk.

I will dedicate the next several blogs about my personal story as I know other people’s stories have helped me and I hope my story and taking a stand will help others.

http://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic.html

RISE AND SHINE!

Today is a reminder of a great person who I was blessed to have in my life…Grandma Dot. It was five years ago today I received a phone call that she took her last breath.  Yes, it was finally that phone call.  I say finally as I had received numerous phone calls over the years letting me know that it might be “that time”. 

They say it takes a village to raise a child and I couldn’t agree more!  The tribal woman in my village was and still is my Grandma Dot.  She was my go to, safety-net, good laugh, bank loan, accomplice in driving the streets of Chicago, role model, but most importantly the dot that kept me on the map.  As I write this I realize not all people have the privilege of having grandparents in their life.  Due to my parents’ divorce, I had seven grandparents in my life until I lost my Grandma Bo when I was 13.  Five years ago today marks the end of having a grandparent here on Earth with me.  I am blessed!

My grandma was born in 1913.  Yes, she lived through the Great Depression; she was part of “The Greatest Generation” coined by Tom Brokaw.  Words can’t describe her my grandma.   As I type this I’m a bit lost on what to say.  I think sharing what she taught me will give a glimpse of the kind of human being she was.          

1.  She always told me, “Be good and if you can’t be good, be careful.”  How practical and real is that?  She knew that as I lived my years it was impossible to always be good, but when my path took a curve, and it did, she instilled that voice in me to listen to my gut, to pay attention if I was on the edge and potentially about to go too far.
2. She gave even when she had to scrimp for herself.
3. She listened!  When I sat with her, she looked at me and I knew I had her full attention.  Yes, I realize we didn’t have cellphones back then, but believe me she had enough on her plate where she could let her mind travel to.  She was always present and let me know she was “all there” for me.
4. When the going gets tough and it keeps going and going…don’t give up!  My grandma’s life was anything but easy!  She traveled as a dancer in the 1930s, met a man she fell in love with, he cheated on her as he was in the biz as well, she divorced him (not common back in those days), then married my grandpa who she would learn years later was manic depressive/bipolar after he drove his family across the country and spent the family’s money while they lived it up in California, she stood by her husband as he went in and out of mental institutions while raising 4 kids and losing a 5th, she provided for her family, nannied other families’ children to support her own, later took care of my grandpa after her had a stroke that left him partially paralyzed,  Need I go on?
5. She informed me of all the great pick-up lines, particularly, “Do I know you from somewhere?”  According to her that is the oldest line in the book.  Well, the oldest line in the book worked…I married him!
6. Bop your head to the music.  It only makes life better!
7. It’s okay to not be the world’s best cook.  Egg noodles and salt can be a great meal for a kid!
8. Play bingo at the VFW Hall, you will have fun and might win!  Point proven.  I rode my bike from Minneapolis to Chicago to support AIDS services and research.  I had to raise a certain amount to go.  In a last ditch effort, I went to bingo and won the big prize, $500.  Exactly what I needed!  I kissed my little dauber and have loved colored circles since that day!
9. Go when you are ready!  When it comes down to it we, our own person, know what is best for us. 
10. Record your thoughts.  My grandma asked me to help her record her life story.  This was before video cameras were easily accessible, well at least to my budget at the time, so we used a tape recorder.  I wish I could say I knew where those tapes are, but I have a feeling they will surface when needed.
11. No matter what…feed the body!  As mentioned, I received many phone calls over the years informing me it was time.  I jumped on airplanes and spent a lot of money on last minute tickets.  In fact, my last visit to my grandma (months before she died), I recorded songs from the 1930s thinking we could lay in bed listening to them.  I had it all mapped out in my mind how my last moments would be with my grandma.  On that last visit her caregivers sat her up in a chair as they changed her sheets.  While sitting there together watching Wheel of Fortune I noticed my grandma kept looking at the door and then back at the TV.  Keep in mind she wasn’t communicative at this point.  After about 10 minutes of this she says, “Is it time?”  I looked at her and said, “I don’t know…is it?  You can go grandma.”  I thought this is it!  She sees the light and is ready to move on.  The docs were actually right this time.  She looked at me and said, “NO! Is it time to eat?”

This list can go on and on.  Maybe it will in another entry, but for now I need to go cook breakfast for my kiddos.  No egg noodles and salt this morning…cereal in a bowl!

RISE AND SHINE!

The sun is shining and it will be in the beautiful 70s today!  So much to be thankful for!

I have to say I felt a little guilty writing my last post seeing as it wasn’t the most uplifting and more self-serving for my soul!  If it left you with a heavy heart, I’m sorry, but as I said when I started this blog it wouldn’t be all flowers and sunshine.

Last week while at a band competition I was asked,” What do you do for a living?”  It is always interesting to see how people respond to me being a therapist.  Sometimes their body tenses as if I have the ability to see through them and all the issues contained within them.  Other times, Pandora’s Box is opened and I hear an earful.  This time the person said, “How do you separate the sadness you witness from your personal life?”

What an interesting question as I was grappling with the loss of one of my clients.

For the last week or so I have noticed some people walking gingerly around me as if I’m a fragile flower.  Maybe that is what my outside may look like, or maybe that is how people think I should be acting after this loss.  I’m not sure.  I’m okay, in fact I’m great!  I miss my client.  The first Thursday at our usual time not seeing her on my sofa was difficult.  Speaking and dealing with the medical examiner’s office was nerve racking as I walked the line of protecting my client’s privacy while also trying to assist the examiner in how my client may have reached her final moments.  Unfortunately, no one will have the actual answers to what made her decide to end her life.  We, all who knew her, will march on and be imprinted forever.

So back to the question, “How do you separate the sadness you witness from your personal life?”  I choose to LIVE!  I surround myself with real people, true friends, go listen to live music where I feel the vibrations through my entire body, give when I can, take if I need to, celebrate the small things, be grateful for the irreplaceable, use humor, dance my butt off, be thankful the sun can touch my skin, and thank God he gives me opportunities to use my talents.

My physical therapist asked me, “What do you think people need to be and feel successful in life?”  It didn’t take me long to answer, “Hope and a Purpose!”

May you have both!

RISE AND SHINE!

For the last couple of years February has been a busy and overwhelming month.  I told myself I wouldn’t put myself in the same position again, but here I sit.  I’m running on little sleep.   My dining room continues to have all of our Christmas decorations sitting there waiting to be packed away. I have 4 loads of laundry that are clean, but need to be folded and now probably ironed.  I have a kitchen faucet that was leaking and now broken as some not-so-smart person hit it with a pan thinking that would make it stop.  I have three rolls of chicken wire waiting to be used to contain my farm of animals.  My parents’ anniversary is coming up.  My anniversary with Buddha will be arriving soon.  The tooth fairy forgot to fly in 3 nights in a row.  QuickBooks is waiting along with my accountant.  As I said, here I sit.

February doesn’t pile up like this out of laziness, depression or change of lifestyle.  I have brought it upon myself as I continue to support my local children’s advocacy center by taking on a role for their gala fundraiser.  For those of you who may be rolling your eyes at this moment, trust me, I have learned to say “no”.  I can’t say no to the Children’s Advocacy Center for Denton County.  Recently I was reminded why.

I received a call the other day and was asked if I was sitting down.  I have had a few of these calls in my life and they tend to not be the ones you want to get.  I wasn’t sitting as that seems to be off my radar screen for the month of February, but I made my way to the kitchen table.  The voice on the other line said, “I received a call that Jane committed suicide the other night.”

*I need to preface the following as I need to be careful about the information I share, so know that names and details may be altered with.

Jane was a client of mine.

Speechless, in shock, I sat while the other person on the line gave me the details he knew.  I know I heard them, because I can recall them now, but at the time my mind raced in so many directions.  I hung up the phone and stared out the window. SHOCK!

I ran through the details in my head and my recent time with Jane.  GUILT!

I thought how could you do this, you have children, a partner who treats you right, you have come so far…I had so much hope for you. ANGER!

I visualized her sitting on the sofa on a weekly basis sharing her life, working hard. SADNESS!

Why…why…why… We could have worked through this. LOST!

I had so much hope for you!  You were a light in this world despite how you saw yourself. ADMIRATION!

I wish you would have been listened to as a child.  I wish you would have felt the power of unconditional love.  I wish your teachers, adults in your life took the time to delve a little deeper to find out what was really going on. FRUSTRATION!

I wish I knew exactly what was going through your mind when you locked yourself in the bathroom.  What were your final thoughts?  Was this premeditated or did you come crashing down and broke to pieces?  Why didn’t you call the people who have helped you along your journey?   QUESTIONING!

What do I do from here?  I’m bound by confidentiality and our therapeutic relationship. If you were a friend, I would be running to your family, gathering up the troops to embrace your loved ones.  I’m bound by my profession.  HELPLESS!

I will not forget you! HOLE IN HEART!

Here I sit.

Here I sit.

Here I sit.

Yes, my February is hectic and now sad.  I will move along. I will continue to devote my time to the Children’s Advocacy Center of Denton County.  I will think of you when I’m overwhelmed and look at my house and how out of order it is.  I can live with that.  What I can’t live with is what was stolen from you and your family.  I wish the adults in your life would have listened. I wish you would have been brought to a children’s advocacy center.  I wish you would have never needed to sit on my sofa. 

You will not be forgotten.  I will think of you as I continue to work my ass off for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Denton County!

RISE AND SHINE!