***Warning…raw thoughts, no proofreading, subject of suicide, I probably hit post too soon.
Did I lose a person I know? A 16 year old died of suicide who I don’t personally know, but I feel like I do as I know so many teenagers who sound similar to Alex, Alex who is no longer here. This 16 year old in a sense lives a hop, skip, and a jump from me. It hurts even more at this time as it is National Suicide Prevention Month and this is the main week of education. Alex died of suicide two days ago, September 13th. I say “died of” compared to “committed” as suicide is no longer viewed to be a crime as is was many years ago. When a person dies of suicide their mind, their brain, isn’t functioning properly. I can say this. I can say this because I know.
It is no mystery to those who know me, have read this blog or to my kiddos who some day will read this, I battle with depression. I have also had a couple times suicidal thoughts have taken a room in my brain during the deep in the valley times and I didn’t even advertise I had space as an AirBnB!. When I felt I wanted to not be here any longer it wasn’t because I wanted to die. It was because I wanted my present moments and previous ones that were so wretched to end. There are several things that have prevented me from stepping over the line. The greatest one of all is my family, my children. During my last bought I was tired, yes tired as I usually am in those times, but tired of being here or I should say there as now I’m in a very healthy space. I couldn’t function well, communicate, eat, feel joy nor even cry. I could look down at my legs and they were almost the size of my arms…skin and bones, the muscles eaten away by this horrible disease that likes to roost in my head. Here is what saved me and will continue to do so.
If I left, if I died, if depression won what would that have looked like? There are many pictures to envision, but this is what played through in my head. First off I must say I’m not a religious person. Despite this I questioned “What if there is a heaven and those who commit (I say commit as it’s viewed as a sin in this hypothetical situation) suicide don’t make it in? What if they float in purgatory or some other scary place? So for me, what if I were to be “floating” somewhere beyond this Earth and all I did was watch my kiddos, see their reaction when they heard I was gone, that I took my life? What if I continued to watch them for eternity? See their pain. Feel their pain. These thoughts and questions are what keep me on the living side. I would much rather endure the pain and suffering in my brain then to witness their pain and suffering as well as them feeling the pain. *I need to add a note here. If you’re reading this and believe I need to be “saved” I appreciate your concern. I respect your thoughts and religion, so I ask you to respect mine. I live my life to the best that I can and this is what matters to me. If this is enough when my time comes, great! If it isn’t, then I’m not so sure I would want to walk through “those gates”.
Now back to Alex. Sixteen years of age! She, all teenagers, live in the now. Heck even as adults we live in the now, but we do have life experience to help us move along. But with teenagers, this very moment can feel like the end all be all. Their sixteen year old minds don’t have the perspective to look beyond the current moments especially in the dark and dreary moments. I know so many, so many kids who are battling with anxiety or depression or low self-esteem or too many daily pressures or loneliness or all of the above and more. For me, at 44, I have worked my butt off trying to get better or I should say be better at managing my disease. But for teens, how do they know what to do to manage their emotions, fears, pressures, sense of disconnection? I don’t remember taking a class on this nor have I seen one when my kiddos registered for school. This…this needs to HAPPEN!
See I recognize if I say “yes” to killing myself I say “no” to: my kiddos hugging me, my dog following me around the house, sitting on the sidelines watching my kids’ sports, being available for those who need me, breathing in air when it is the change of season, catching a butterfly in my sight as it flitters by, stopping a conversation because I point out a cool cloud, etc. These type of thoughts don’t even get into what my kids would be missing if I said “yes”…I can’t go there in my mind. When we choose to go one way we then give up all the other ways. For teenagers do they have the ability to recognize that this too shall pass? Do they understand nothing is permanent, life is in constant flux? Do they stop to think all that they are giving up when they make that move to take their last breath? My answer is no. When they are so down in the muck of the moments, don’t have extensive time under their belts to give perspective, haven’t been given mental health tools and resources early in childhood (I mean seriously, we are all given dental health tools when we are young), and don’t have examples of all shapes and sizes of people walking around with similar battles, then how in these desperate times can they hold on to whatever hope they may have? How can they know hope exists?
It is way past time to end the stigma, de-clothe the body from shame and for us adults to lean into this arena and say ENOUGH! We need to dedicate resources to build our kids up early on, teach them positive mental health skills, give examples of adults walking around who manage their personal mental health disease(s). We need to be willing to dedicate resources to this. If you build strong and resilient kiddos, you then have less kiddos turning to drugs and alcohol as a form of coping. Yesterday I went to the pet store to get food for my dogs. A store that is almost the size of a grocery store. In 2016 we, Americans, spent 66.75 billion dollars on our pets! Yes I meant to type a “b”. I find it easier to raise funds for cute looking puppies then funds towards mental health and prevention services for youth. Why is this? Before I get called out…I do love my dogs, but if I had to make a choice between my children and dogs, the kiddos would win. The children and children of the future have to be made a priority in giving them the resources and tools they need.
I’m tired of hearing about kids like Alex. Kids who have so much going for them, but are stuck at looking just at the tip of their nose and not beyond. To be continued…my kiddos call!
Rise & Shine
Rise and Shine Girl Blog 
Sep 15, 2017 @ 00:18:41
Again, thank you for your transparency. I remember, when Luke was a baby, I was going through a pretty severe bout of panic. I was so skinny and felt like I was constantly suffocating as an elephant sat on my chest. However, my mind told me not to take meds bc they would cause me to die. So, I struggled. I suffered. My husband suffered. Luke suffered. I remember, my sweet dad, who probably represents a big majority of the population looked into my eyes, and told me, “you are a mom now, you have to grow up and stop feeling this way.” Oh dad. If only it were that easy. I would have just “grown up” and got on with breathing and living. I finally took the medicine the doctor urged me to take at the begging of my husband, and also went through 6 weeks of breathing retraining therapy. It worked. I have sense dealt with a couple of more episodes of panic, but going back on the meds and realizing I am not failing as a human by taking them as kept my head above water. And has allowed me to be fully present. To live.