He sat across from me and said, ”I’m not sure. I’m on the fence. Let me ask you a question. Do you ever feel like you’re on top of the world?”
Taking a brief moment to respond. “No.” About a minute later, “There are times I feel like I can take it all on. Like I’m Wonder Woman and can solve any problem that comes my way. At those times anything is possible and surmountable.”
Looking at me while raising an eyebrow, “Would you be open to adding an additional medication?”
Thought in my mind, “Oh so you are offering me a new cocktail.”
Screech…Rewind….Back in Time…Four Months Earlier…
I’m not sure how I mustered the strength to get in the car, put my foot to the pedal and grasp the steering wheel, but I did. It must have been due to the small amount of hope left in me and the thought of my family. I was either going to sit and watch the world go by or attempt to join the living by entering the door of “The Woods”.
Those who know me well may have heard something to this effect on numerous occasions, “Wow, look at that tree!” or “Yeah, that’s the corner with the big Water Oak.” or “I would love to go live up in that Magnolia.” I’m one of the biggest tree lovers you can find and I can admit a bit obsessive. But these trees, this patch of woods surrounding where I would be spending three days a week for 3 months were trees that felt like big monsters waiting to gulp me up!
I entered the building and reported in to my family I had made it to my destination. As usual I was met with drab, blah painted walls. I’ve been told oftentimes mental health facilities are designed to be vanilla in order to not irritate or set one off with too much stimuli. Well, what about us depressed in the funk people trying to climb out of the hole!?!?
I took the elevator down to my destination and was given a name tag before meeting with an intake worker. I have no idea what he told me, but it is safe to assume he gave me more details regarding the program than I had known before walking through the doors. Next stop, I entered another set of doors which was now my home away from home on a M,W,F schedule. I took a seat and the counselor welcomed me and asked the group members to introduce themselves. There were about eight other people, more women than men and let’s just say most of them had way more grey hair than me.
The counselor announced we would be watching the documentary, “Happy” from filmmaker Roko Belic. Now, in full disclosure I had watched this at some point when I was in a good mental health state and probably enjoyed it with the exception of the given title, “Happy”. Happy is a word that is a bit empty and artificial to me. I believe we are put here not to be happy, but to thrive. Thrive implies action whereas happy implies a state of being. This is my opinion, not Webster’s stated meaning.
In my head, “You have got to be fucking kidding me. I have to sit here and hear about happiness when it is something that has been so foreign as of late. A slap in the face reminder of how broken my brain is.” I just wanted to run out of the room. I zoned out, watched the clock and calculated all of the hours I would be spending in this windowless room for the next coming months. In place of the lack of windows there was a lovely 1980s wallpaper scene of the woods. Oy vey!
As a break from the torture we headed to lunch. A small cafeteria with food, probably not the best food options for brain or body health, was laid out in front of me. One of the group members came and quietly whispered in my ear, “We all sit together over at that table.” Her intentions were sweet, but my thoughts were not! “You mean I have to spend more time with you guys?” I needed to get out. I needed fresh air. I needed the natural world environment. But, in Marnie style I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so I found a chair to join the table. I sat in silence, played with a container of open yogurt and again watched the clock.
My next ruminating thoughts “Why did I agree to come here? These people are nothing like me. Maybe I can tackle this on my own. Maybe there will be some entertainment value here like “Girl, Interrupted”.
Day one came to a close and as I walked to my car I told myself I would find a way to not come back to this place, but deep down I knew I needed to. This was what felt like a last chance for me. I was running out of options.
Still I Rise & Shine
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