Rise and Shine Girl Blog

“I was sitting up nice and straight with a finger over one nostril as I inhaled through the other and then switched nostrils to exhale.  And that Watson, I believe was the start of the spiral.”

Back in November I was feeling grateful I made it to one of my favorite yoga classes on a late Sunday morning.  This opportunity was rare as anyone with children in activities, a son who loves cars and a husband who occasionally works on the supposive “day of rest” would understand to take time for one’s self is a treasure.  It was the end of class and we were working on a breathing exercise that typically I looked forward to as it wakes me up and gives me that extra pep in my step for the day.  On this day, I couldn’t breathe and a bit of panic set in.  I personally had never experienced a panic attack, but I have heard stories and witnessed them in others.  This was a blessing as I knew what it was and had the ability to talk myself through it as the others in the class were having their Zen moments and clearing their chakras.

A couple weeks later I started to notice negative thoughts creep into my day, but I was able to turn them around and look at the brighter side.  Around this time the kiddos in my house were on a bit of a protest about living in our new state.   The honeymoon was over and reality stepped in, “Yes you live here.  This isn’t vacation.  This isn’t a rental house.  You have roots to plant.”

Soon my energy that usually abounds me started to dissipate along with the excitement to wake up before the sun even thinks to rise.  I made it through Thanksgiving with family in town and then the slope became so slippery I could no longer hold on.  I slid faster and deeper than I ever had with fewer ladders around to help me climb back up.

I knew what I was going through and had a sense of the journey I was about to face, but how could this happen now as I needed to be there for my homesick kiddos.  Not to mention, Buddha was thriving and loving work and his new life, something none of us had seen in years.  He already felt guilt for uprooting his family, but now to really know the state of my disconnected brain!  I knew he would put the blame on himself, even though he knew better, you can never take the guilt out of a Jewish born man.

So it began, my double lived life.  By day I got the kids off to school, came home crashed and got myself together moments before having to be mom and wife again.  “Be strong for your family.  You can handle this.  You have been here before and made it through.”  Weekends were tough to make it through, but little white lies of headaches and stomach aches worked for a while. Eventually I clued Buddha in that I had a bit of the funk going on.  I told him a “bit” when in fact I knew it was a mountain full.

In the meantime the tasks that accompany the holidays began: hosting a neighborhood cocoa crawl, deciding where to get our tree and where to put our tree, preparing for more family to arrive amongst so many other to-dos. The holiday dinner for Emory was on my doorstep and how I dreaded the thought of the holiday cheer, conversations of how I like Georgia and listening to patient care issues.  As usual, a doctor’s schedule doesn’t always cooperate, so we never made it to the dinner, but instead went to dinner on our own and when I say our own, I mean, we were the only two people in a small Greek restaurant.

In recent months Buddha had been talking about taking a road trip with the kids over the upcoming summer.  We would land in Barcelona and drive the coast with the final destination of Florence.  Of course there would be a bit of a detour to the Lamborghini factory to appease the car enthusiasts in the family, by-the-way neither of which are female.  A map taped together with scotch tape made with various print outs from Google maps was flattened across the table as Buddha went through his thoughts.  My eyes glassed over and anything and everything that was negative left my lips.  I sounded like the biggest devil’s advocate!  Finally Buddha said, “Listen, it is obvious you don’t want to go on this trip.  You have nothing positive to say.  I’m not going to force it.  You get your way.  So what do you want to do instead?”

See, here he is thinking I have some other vacation in mind up my sleeve.  What he didn’t know is that the little funk I mentioned was about ready to be let out of its cage and take over for the next two months!  I came clean and let it spill out over dinner to the point the waiter brought over a tissue box.  We left to head home to only drive about 50 times around the block while Charles shared words of encouragement and attempted to formulate a plan to get me through this.  (At one point, I was expecting a police car to show up as this white car with dark tinted windows perused the neighborhood.  When you come from Texas tinted windows are a must.  Most people, particularly Northerns just don’t get it.)  He said all the right things, things we are trained to say and suggest in the helping profession.  Task one upon entering the house once we arrived home was to write a plan for my next morning/day.  This would provide me structure, something to look at to keep me moving forward.  Great in theory, but not so great when you have paper and pen in hand and you can’t think of how to formulate a word and write it to paper.  What a failure!

I think it was within days I was informed Mia’s softball coach from Texas passed away. Further I went.  I knew I was really bad and concerned that I may have gone too deep when I pushed myself to take the kids to meet neighbors to bowl over the holiday break.  In the period of 2-3 hours I may have uttered 200 words.  It was noticed and I was paralyzed to explain why I wasn’t talking.

Lastly, Christmas day Buddha had the turn to round on patients as he is the newbie.  Months earlier, I stayed up late one evening to get a call into one the local shelters to get our names on the list to serve Christmas dinner.  It was on Christmas day, serving in the Salvation Army shelter, that I recognized I was in a deep…deep hole!

Too be continued…

Still I …Rise & Shine