For the last three months I have been waking up at 5:30am every morning to have time for myself before the heartbeat of life gets beating faster. There is no doubt that this has become part of my therapy. Oftentimes when I go to bed I am already excited to wake-up and start the day…I think of my coffee, what I’m going to read, and at this time of the year how I can stare at the Christmas Tree in complete silence. Ironically, it was only 5 months ago that I couldn’t wait to have a reason to be in my bed, dreading the rising of the sun starring off in space as the world past me by.
I know in a recent blog I mentioned I’d get back to my depressing little story. I don’t go back and read them, at least I haven’t as of yet, so I’m not too sure where I left off.
What I do know is that it wasn’t so easy to get help or find immediate access to help. You would think differently seeing as I’m in the social work world and Buddha is in the medical world. I had an appointment on the calendar to meet with my family doc as I do every 3 months to go over blood work; nothing major…I’m not dying mom if you read this. I thought, “This is the day”. I will mention to her how I’m feeling and that something needs to be done. As I waited in the room I tried to read, but I hadn’t been able to read all summer and nothing was different at that moment, so I stared. I studied the anatomy of the heart as it was posted on the wall. For a brief moment I thought, if my heart would stop beating this would all end.
The doc finally came in and it felt different. She seemed cold which is so not her. Next thing I knew she turned around with tears in her eyes and said, “Marnie I can’t lie to you.” My mind clicked and I jumped into social work mode, something I was unable to do all summer. She proceeded to tell me they found a mass in her husband’s liver and so on and so on. So much for sharing my depressing little story that day. I told a friend this story and after I mentioned the tears in my doctor’s eyes, my friend said, “Oh my gosh, were you thinking the blood results were bad.” I looked at her and laughed. Then I said, “You know that never came to mind, but at that moment if she would have reported that my future was limited and my days were numbered I would have considered it a blessing to end the misery going on in my head.” Yes, scary and freaky thinking, but I’m being honest.
Later that night I told Buddha the story. Being in a medical family is always interesting. When I seek medical treatment I either get way too much information and every test done on me to cover all bases or I get told very little as if sleeping in the same bed with the doc transfers all the medical knowledge over to my brain. Heck, if that was the case I would have gone after sleeping with the biggest book nerd!
Buddha just looked at me after I told him and asked what I was going to do. At that moment I felt a little better and said, “I think just attempting to tell someone helped me feel a bit better.” I shrugged it off not wanting him to worry.
Here is the thing. I have witnessed so much heartache, loss, sadness, pain, misfortune, unanswered questions and more through the eyes of clients over the years. I know and have seen how nasty life can get and yet where I sit in life, I’m fortunate and blessed, yet that did nothing for me this summer. I couldn’t count my blessings, be grateful and thankful, be happy and thrive from where I was sitting. My brain was broken.
A few years ago I had a client in a questionable area in Dallas. I was sent there to see if I could help a squatter leave her house. There was nothing legally the police could do, long story, so send in the social worker. I was told ahead of time, “there are no door knobs on the house, she has AIDS, she was an exotic dancer back in the day and we really need you to help get this squatter out as the home health nurses are starting to refuse to go see her.” Needless to say this was not going to be easy and I have to admit a bit daunting. Times have changed since I used to run around the streets of Chicago. We now have Google Earth. I was able to put in the address of where I needed to go, view the neighborhood, see where the public places were, the school and basically a safe path out if I needed to get out of there in a hurry. I also had my phone ready to dial 911 if needed and comfortable shoes to run in. Wow, as I type this I can feel my blood pumping. This is the type of social work my heart loves to do! My mind has been fed over and over, “Start with where the client is at”. Some would say I take it too literally which has probably been true in some cases, but I know what feels right in my gut at that time and I know my success rate.
I could go into all the details of this encounter, but honestly I could write an entire short story about what happened that day. Summary, I stared into the bright blue eyes of a woman who had been dealt a raw deal in life. A woman who woke up every day and tried her best, like we all do. A woman who had a dresser full of meds she took throughout the day to keep ticking. A woman who despite the fact that she barely had food to eat and that she was getting electricity to her house by bumming off the neighbor’s line still sparkled as we talked. A woman whose son was in prison. A woman who had no door knobs on her house and put a towel through the front door to open and close it. A woman, despite all this and more, still got out of bed each day. This past summer I could not get out of bed. Oftentimes words could not leave my lips. I could stare at a page in a book and not take in a word. I had no sparkle. I could not rise and shine!
I learned recently that Texas is the lowest ranked state for mental health dollars spent per capita. Just to give you an idea, in 2010 the national per capita rate was $126.56 and Texas’ rate was $38.99. Since then the rate has gone down further and the really heartbreaking news is Denton County, where I live, is ranked the lowest county in Texas, stated at $11.11 per capita for 2012. So in a nut shell, as far as mental health dollars spent, I live in an area that is the bottom of the barrel. In fact, I would say there is a whole in the bottom of the barrel and Denton County leaked out and isn’t even in the barrel anymore.
So what does this mean in regards to my depressing little story? Access to get the care I needed in a timely fashion was not easy. Since this summer, I have had many clients in a similar situation and I have spent numerous hours banging my head against the wall to find them timely and appropriate care. I have begged and pleaded to get my clients in to see someone and not just someone, someone who knows what they are doing!
I’m feeling I have gone off on a tangent. I know I still haven’t finished out my story. I guess I have a lot on my mind in regards to all of this. I’m including a few links in this blog that I have found helpful in understanding depression.
My outlook today is bright with sparkling eyes. I notice all that is in front of me. I focus on each moment. I can honestly say this is the first time I truly feel 100% present, for the good and the bad. I also am thankful for all that is in my life, the good and they bad. As I write this on this Sunday morning staring out the kitchen window, I am also thankful for the little 4 year old who lives across the street from me, as he is a reminder of all the important things in life.
Rise and Shine!
Links:
http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it?c=upw1 (Excellent story at depicting Depression)
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share.html (Starts out slow but keep watching)
http://www.ted.com/talks/david_steindl_rast_want_to_be_happy_be_grateful.html (Just watch it!)
http://www.ted.com/talks/diana_nyad_never_ever_give_up.html (No matter what…we all have our journey in this life! Diana’s is amazing. It is never too late!)
Rise and Shine Girl Blog 