I mentioned a couple of blogs back that I would get back to my “little depressing story”. I didn’t forget I said that and apparently a slew of my readers didn’t either! So here goes…
If I go back through my life, I had it pretty good! People on the outside world may have thought differently as I didn’t live in the best part of town, didn’t have the coolest clothes, drove a car that took 20 minutes to warm-up before it would move (not just in the winter), took care of my younger siblings, came from a divorced family, need I go on? Regardless of all of this and more, I had a set of parents who supported me no matter what! I will not go into all of those details and before this shows up as a comment, Pops, I will say it myself. Yes, my parents even supported me as I hung out my bedroom window dangling by my fingertips grasping onto sheets in an attempt to run away. FYI, that idea of tying sheets together to make a rope does work!
Point being, despite my childhood and trials and tribulations, I had a solid mindset and a connected brain. I know some would beg to differ, but I can stand solidly and say it was true. I went off to college, worked my way through, had a variety of relationships, battled with a broken heart, got engaged, got disengaged, had accomplishments and I thrived!
I was fortunate to get a great job after grad school, met amazing people and actually supported myself. Well, until I left a job as an oncology social worker in a hospital after being there for only two months. Me beeper and the telephone saw more of me than anyone else, so I moved on with $6.35 in my bank account. Yes, the decimal is in the correct space! Fortunately I was able to stuff envelopes for several months at $8 an hour, thanks to my aunt, and that was enough to squeak by.
Fast forward, I met Buddha, got married, planted flowers, built a brick patio (remained married after building a brick patio together) and had comfort. Much like the Beverly Hillbillies, we packed up and moved to Texas! Actually, the reverse of Jed and Jethro’s journey. Just a little joke, I love Texas! It was difficult to leave family and move to an area where we didn’t know a soul! The one soul I have known the longest and still keep in touch with is Monica! Love you!
Since being in Texas, we have had great opportunities, but we have also had great heartache. Regardless, I always worked through it and came out on the other side feeling strong, grateful and thankful. So why then, this summer, when there was nothing specific in my life dragging me down did I feel like I wanted to end it all?
It was the beginning of summer break for the kids and I took on a new job…constant taxi cab driver. I found creative ways to maximize my time while the kiddos were at their various activities. Thank goodness to coffee shops and WiFi. One morning I was sitting at a shop, having coffee, on my computer and I noticed I had a difficult time focusing, pulling my words together. Yes, that typically isn’t a problem! I got somewhat frustrated as I had a timeline to stick to. About a week later, I still had the same issue, but I noticed I didn’t have positive thoughts running through my head. My energy was low, my excitement to get out of bed in the morning was diminishing and the worries about everything and anything took a room in my brain.
This past summer had great plans for me and my family. We were heading back to Chicago for our usual trip and we were traveling to Sweden and Norway to visit more family. Yes, they are our family! It took every ounce of my energy and being to pull myself together to go on that trip! It was great, it was amazing, it was spectacular, it was heartwarming, it was mind-blowing, it was… If you would have asked me upon my immediate return what it was like I would have said, Great! I didn’t have the words, energy or mindset to say anything else. I can say everything about it now. I look at pictures and remember being there, trying to enjoy it as much as I could, but it is sad because I can honestly say I wasn’t all there!
I spent several days in bed this summer complaining of stomachaches, when I knew it was my brain. Buddha knew to an extent what was going on, but I tried to protect him from really knowing as I didn’t want him to worry. My kids, I ask them now, and they say they didn’t really notice a difference…academy award please! I do remember one summer night, it was about 6:30pm and the kids were asking about dinner. I just stared out in space and couldn’t find the words to answer them. I remember seeing Buddha across the room just looking at me, waiting to hear me speak, but nothing came out. He stepped in, pulled together dinner and I can’t remember what happened from there.
Did I really want to leave everything and everyone I know, love and cherish? Not really, I just wanted the horrific and horrible feelings and thoughts to end! In my mind I started to think I had to make this stop and end! Yes, I thought about not living anymore. I didn’t get to the point of having a plan, thought of different ways, but never really laid anything out. I did think if I wasn’t here how that would affect my kiddos and Buddha. In my broken mind, I started to think, for a brief moment, well, they would have to come with me. Yes, scary and wicked, I know! It was during some of those thoughts that I think my social work mind stepped in and played therapist. Thank God!
My journey to get help was not smooth as one would think seeing as I’m in the field of social work and mental health. My eyes have been open to what people, not just people as I’m now in that group, we are faced with when trying to get help with our mental health. More to come on that.
I will get back to this in other blog entries, but for now that is enough for me. I have been approached and asked many questions since starting to share my “depressing little story”. Please know it doesn’t bother me and no question is a bad one. If you read this and think you are in the bucket with me, it does get better or it can get better…if you get help! If you don’t know where to start, you know where to find me.
RISE AND SHINE!
Rise and Shine Girl Blog 