For the last couple of years February has been a busy and overwhelming month. I told myself I wouldn’t put myself in the same position again, but here I sit. I’m running on little sleep. My dining room continues to have all of our Christmas decorations sitting there waiting to be packed away. I have 4 loads of laundry that are clean, but need to be folded and now probably ironed. I have a kitchen faucet that was leaking and now broken as some not-so-smart person hit it with a pan thinking that would make it stop. I have three rolls of chicken wire waiting to be used to contain my farm of animals. My parents’ anniversary is coming up. My anniversary with Buddha will be arriving soon. The tooth fairy forgot to fly in 3 nights in a row. QuickBooks is waiting along with my accountant. As I said, here I sit.
February doesn’t pile up like this out of laziness, depression or change of lifestyle. I have brought it upon myself as I continue to support my local children’s advocacy center by taking on a role for their gala fundraiser. For those of you who may be rolling your eyes at this moment, trust me, I have learned to say “no”. I can’t say no to the Children’s Advocacy Center for Denton County. Recently I was reminded why.
I received a call the other day and was asked if I was sitting down. I have had a few of these calls in my life and they tend to not be the ones you want to get. I wasn’t sitting as that seems to be off my radar screen for the month of February, but I made my way to the kitchen table. The voice on the other line said, “I received a call that Jane committed suicide the other night.”
*I need to preface the following as I need to be careful about the information I share, so know that names and details may be altered with.
Jane was a client of mine.
Speechless, in shock, I sat while the other person on the line gave me the details he knew. I know I heard them, because I can recall them now, but at the time my mind raced in so many directions. I hung up the phone and stared out the window. SHOCK!
I ran through the details in my head and my recent time with Jane. GUILT!
I thought how could you do this, you have children, a partner who treats you right, you have come so far…I had so much hope for you. ANGER!
I visualized her sitting on the sofa on a weekly basis sharing her life, working hard. SADNESS!
Why…why…why… We could have worked through this. LOST!
I had so much hope for you! You were a light in this world despite how you saw yourself. ADMIRATION!
I wish you would have been listened to as a child. I wish you would have felt the power of unconditional love. I wish your teachers, adults in your life took the time to delve a little deeper to find out what was really going on. FRUSTRATION!
I wish I knew exactly what was going through your mind when you locked yourself in the bathroom. What were your final thoughts? Was this premeditated or did you come crashing down and broke to pieces? Why didn’t you call the people who have helped you along your journey? QUESTIONING!
What do I do from here? I’m bound by confidentiality and our therapeutic relationship. If you were a friend, I would be running to your family, gathering up the troops to embrace your loved ones. I’m bound by my profession. HELPLESS!
I will not forget you! HOLE IN HEART!
Here I sit.
Here I sit.
Here I sit.
Yes, my February is hectic and now sad. I will move along. I will continue to devote my time to the Children’s Advocacy Center of Denton County. I will think of you when I’m overwhelmed and look at my house and how out of order it is. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is what was stolen from you and your family. I wish the adults in your life would have listened. I wish you would have been brought to a children’s advocacy center. I wish you would have never needed to sit on my sofa.
You will not be forgotten. I will think of you as I continue to work my ass off for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Denton County!
RISE AND SHINE!
Rise and Shine Girl Blog 