I sit here in Penn State’s backyard, Philadelphia. Any opportunity given, the local news has a blurb on Sandusky and the most recent individuals coming forward, as well as possibilities of what Sandusky can face. Yes, this is important news, but I wonder if there is other information that would be more important to hear instead of the same one minute blurb about Sandusky, bail and court hearings. What about focusing more on what can be done about sexual abuse? As I have mentioned before, I honestly don’t think child sexual abuse will ever go away. It is not like some virus or disease we will eventually find a cure for. So, when the possibility of a cure is not possible we must then look at prevention as well as opportunities to assist the abused in their healing process.
My focus today is on what we tell our children in regards to preventing sexual abuse. To sum it up, for the most part we teach kids about their “private parts” and that no one should touch them. We add disclaimers like, “Your doctor can during a check up” or “Mommy and daddy can if they are helping you in the bathroom”. We also tell them to say, “No” if someone tries to touch them or asks to touch them. I’m not so sure that is always the best advice. Hear me out…
Some parents who take an “old school” approach to parenting often tell their kids that they are not allowed to say “no”. Heck, I don’t think I’m old school and I know there are times I have probably blasted my kids for telling me no. This may sound familiar:
Parent: “When I say it is time for a nap, don’t tell me no, it’s time to go!”
Parent: “What do you mean no, you don’t tell me no, this is my house!”
Parent: “I said finish your food before you get dessert, don’t tell me no.”
What I’m trying to say is generally speaking kids are taught they are not allowed to say “no”. Several years ago there was a slogan for a national anti-drug campaign, “Just say no.” Yes, I agree that is the ultimate goal when it comes to drug prevention, but I also think it isn’t that simple, nor is it that simple to tell a child to say no to a perpetrator. There may be times a child doesn’t say no because they are threatened. In some sexual abuse situations it may be pleasurable to the child, but they don’t understand how it’s wrong when they feel they aren’t being hurt. It may be ingrained in a child’s head that children are not allowed to say no. Do you get the picture? If you stop and think you can probably come up with some other possibilities where the word “no” would be difficult to use. Now I’m not advocating to stop telling children to say no, I want to add to what we tell our kids.
What we need to add is, “You are allowed to say no if someone asks to touch or touches you in your private areas. If you can’t say no and something happens, then tell someone what happened.” I would then go on to discuss who are the people in the child’s life who they could go talk to. Give them reassurance that if they didn’t say no, it isn’t their fault as to what happened. The adult put them in a position that is no place for a child to be.
It is simple-minded to think it’s easy for a child to, “Just say no”. What we don’t want is a child feeling shamed and/or guilty if they didn’t say no.
Just my thoughts…
Rise and Shine
Marnie
Rise and Shine Girl Blog 