Seeing as it has been some time since I wrote a blog, I thought I should go back and read what I wrote. I have never been one to keep a journal or diary, so I suppose this is the closest thing to it. Wow! Amazing how reading each of the entries brings me back those moments and thoughts. I would encourage you to take the time to write down some things about your life or your thoughts and then go back and visit your writings. If anything, it is like having an extra memory bank.
Going back over the blogs, I realize one of the links no longer works, the link for the Rise and Shine Girl site I created. This site was created to give information regarding a girl group curriculum I created a year ago. Last Fall I was all set to begin my programs, I had a list of girls signed-up and boom…life changed for me.
It was a Sunday afternoon in October and I was in the yard getting ready for the Fall (one of my favorite things to do). My phone was attached to my hip while piping my tunes to my ears. My listening pleasure was interrupted by a phone call which I chose not to answer. I was in my moment!
An hour later I remember my phone rang and look to see if there was a message, it was my dad (I have 4 parents so this was my dad, Jay). This is what I heard, “Honey its Dad, something happened to Marsha (one of my moms), we are at LeHigh Valley Hospital. Its bad honey…Marsha has a brain tumor…please call me sweetie…” I frantically run to my bathroom and dial the phone. The bathroom is the only place where I can hide for a few moments without someone bothering me. After about 5 minutes…then they come bother me. To make a long story short, Marsha has a brain tumor and a diagnoses of Glioblastoma Multiforme or in other words, the brain tumor your don’t want to get diagnosed with seeing as there isn’t really a cure and the average life expectancy is 14 months. The 14th month mark will fall around Christmas time this year.
Within days, I think because it is all a bit of a blur, my sister and I met up in Philadelphia and trekked to Lehigh Valley Hospital to see Marsha before her tumor resection and to support my dad. Those 3 days were life changing for all of us. Marsha took the stance that she was going to fight this and be one of the long-term survivors (the odds being like finding a needle in a haystack), my dad took the role of watching over Marsha, my sister was pregnant with her first child and preparing to start her family and for me, now that I look back, I went down a path of putting my life on hold waiting for Marsha to die. Yes, that sounds harsh, but I mean, I put my life on hold so I could be available the moment the phone rang. This resulted in the cancellation of Rise and Shine Girl. I believe this also led me slip down a slippery slope that led to depression for me. It didn’t happen immediately, it took about 7 months to catch-up to me.
Looking back I see that I was getting by all of those months. I didn’t commit myself to anything, my motivation was low, I was irritable, I lost my exercise routine, my eating habits were poor and the list goes on. It almost sounds like I was the one dying. This all came to a head in June once Carl had left to go back to Sweden. I think subconsciously I was holding myself together until he returned to his family. Afterall, I wouldn’t want for him to go back and talk about his crazy and depressed American host mom. The quick version is…I talked with my husband, mom, friends, and met with my doctor. I got help.
In August with husband and kiddos in tow, we headed to Pennsylvania to visit my parents. It was such a great trip! We didn’t necessarily do anything special by vacation standards. I witnessed moments that will stay with me forever and they all happened in the confines of my parents’ home and in their backyard. There’s not doubt Cole sensed Marsha was in a fragile state, he made it a point to tell her he loved her, not once but on several occasions. Mia was more huggy than normal which means she was non-stop. Charles was just great as usual. And for me… I began to live again!!!!
Here comes the part that you may think I have lost it and need to be committed or maybe not, maybe you have been fortunate to have a moment like this…
Mia insisted we bring her soccer gear to Pennsylvania seeing as my parents’ yard backs up to a beautiful soccer field on a mountain. Naturally the week we were there it rained and was humid, but that would not stop Mia. When there was a break in the weather Mia asked if I would play soccer with her. Honestly, I wanted to say no. Afterall, I had just showered and I was having one of those good hair days and you know what humidity does to hair. Oh, the sacrifices we make for our kids. Mia and I change and Cole gets the bug to join us. We walk out through the sunroom and there sits Marsha on the deck. I was excited to see she was up out of bed, so we chatted for a few moments and then moved up the mountain. Ok, if you are a parent I’m sure you have had one of these moments…
The kids and I start passing the soccer ball around and Cole decides to take charge, Mia doesn’t like that, and World War III is on the brink of starting in Emmaus, Pennsylvania! Moments later they continue on while I wait for them to stop and just as I’m about to jump in, Mia says, “It is just too hot and sticky. I don’t want to play soccer anymore!” She runs down the mountain, Cole looks at me and says, “Sorry Mom, Mia’s right” and proceeds to follow his sister. Did he just say his sister was right? Whoa…
Here I stand on the field with sweat running down my back, so I know I’m already in for another shower. I decide to run the field, dribble the ball and take the time to be on my own. I had a huge burst of energy and was having a great time. Suddenly I look down the mountain and I see Marsha is watching me. It looked like she may have been smiling, but it was difficult to see that far. In that moment I stopped and bent down to pretend I was tying my shoe. I felt horrible! Here I was zooming up and down the field having a great time while Marsha sat on the deck watching me. So many thoughts ran through my head, but primarily I felt guilty. I felt ashamed that here I was running around while Marsha was confined to sitting in a chair with her legs wrapped and elevated (many complications came along with the cancer). I decided I would fiddle around with the ball for a minute more, end and join Marsha on the deck. Here is where the part comes in that you may think I have fallen off of my rocker.
I started out with a slow pace while dribbling the ball and then next thing I was running faster than I ever had while dribbling the ball flawlessly (if only my little Wonder Girl soccer team could see me). Here’s the thing, I had no intention of running fast and I swear I wasn’t moving my legs, something else was. Next, I hear, “Go..Go..Go..Go..Go” I think it was Marsha’s voice. I think… It was female and soothing.
That moment changed me! I began to live again. I returned to Texas and the Marnie I knew was back in the house! In fact, I think I’m the new and improved model.
What have I learned?
1. When you strip your life of the things you enjoy and motivate you, you’re bound to end up in a dark hole.
2. Carpe Diem!
3. It is okay to get help. When you are the strong one, the Rock of Gibraltar, your biggest weakness is not allowing yourself to become the one in need.
4. Cancer sucks!
5. Good can come of bad.
6. I’m thankful for every moment I have, good and bad.
7. No matter the circumstances, our time here on earth should NEVER be spent waiting to die, we are to live while we are here.
RISE AND SHINE!
Rise and Shine Girl Blog 